The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Parody
by Midna3452
Summary: A parody of Zelda: Twilight Princess. Rated T for language and possible themes. Please R&R! DISCONTINUED.
1. In the Beginning

**A/N: Hey everyone! It's Midna3452 with yet another Zelda story! Yay! In case you haven't guessed, this is a parody of Zelda: Twilight Princess. Read and enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or Pokemon or anything else that might possibly come up in this story. **

**The Begining**

_Link and Rusl are seen sitting at the edge of a spring._

Rusl: Tell me . . . do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls?

Link: No. Can I go play with my limited edition trading cards now?

Rusl: Link, trading cards haven't been invented yet . . .

Link: Oh . . . so, how am I gonna catch 'em all now?

Rusl: Catch all of what?

Link: Pokémon, gosh! It's said to be like, totally all the rage.

Rusl: Uh . . .

Link: You know what? I gotta go._ (stands up)_ I left a pot cooking on the stove and I have to get back before it's finished.

Rusl: Wait! Do you want to go to Hyrule?

Link: Uh, no, not really.

Rusl: I said, do you want to go to Hyrule?

Link: Yes, I heard you. I'm not deaf. And I said no.

Rusl: _(jumps up and points his sword at Link) _GO TO HYRULE!

Link: Ahh! Okay! I'll go! Just put the sword away man!

Rusl: _(puts the sword away) _Well, thanks Link. That's very kind of you to offer.

Link: Y-yeah, sure . . .

_They go back to Link's house with Epona and Rusl leaves with his family while Link goes into his house. Ilia comes and takes Epona back to where they just came from. Fado runs up to the house._

Fado: HEY! Link, get your fat ass down here! I need you to wrangle the goats!

Link: Dude, can't you just do it yourself for a change?!

Fado: But, I don't know how . . .

Link: How can you not know how?! You own the freakin' ranch! Well, whatever, just use this. _(throws a book out the window)_

Fado: Hey, "Goat Wrangling for Dummies!" It's just what I've always wanted! Are you Santa or something?

Link: Yeah, whatever. Now go away! I have some serious cooking to do!

Fado: But Link, I can't herd the goats! I'm ascared!

Link: Why the hell are you "ascared" of them?!

Fado: They won't listen to me when I whoop at them! They just all gang up and run me over!

Link: Well, how do you whoop at them?

Fado: I go "YEEEE-AAAHHHH!" and run at them waving a big stick around.

Link: _(gives Fado a "what the hell?" look)_

Fado: Yeah . . . so hurry up and go get Epona!

Link: Ugh, alright, fine! _(comes down and runs to Ordon Spring where he sees Epona and Ilia)_

Link: Hey, you %#*&! How many times have I told you not to steal my freakin' horse?!

Ilia: Um . . . 76,894 times to be exact.

Link: Uh, okay . . . just give her back.

Ilia: Here you go hot stuff. _(winks at Link suggestively)_

Link: Um, ew. _(grabs Epona and walks away)_

Ilia: Wait Link! Can you play that song? The one that Epona likes so much?

Link: Nah, I don't feel like it.

_Link walks back to the village and ignores everyone who says hi to him and goes to the ranch._

Fado: Yo Link! Waz crack-a-lackin?

Link: Don't ever say that again or I will be forced to destroy you.

Fado: So . . . hurry up and round up the goats!

_Link gets on Epona and puts the goats in the barn._

Fado: Nice goin' ma homie!

_Link runs over Fado and goes back to his house. He checks the pot and goes to bed when he sees the soup isn't cooked. He is awoken in the morning by the sound of annoying children screaming outside his window._

Talo: Hey fat man! Get up!

Link: How many times do I have to tell you?! I AM NOT FAT!

Beth: Oh Link, I don't think you're fat! I think you're hunkalicious!

Talo: _(throws a rock at Beth's head, causing the two of them to get into a fight)_

_Link comes out of his house and watches the two fighting._

Link: _(thinking) _I wonder if these two will kill each other . . . hopefully . . .

Malo: Hey Link, go get me the slingshot Sera's selling or I will have to kill you.

Link: Yeah okay. I just have one question for you. Are you a girl or a boy?

Malo: I'm a boy you imbecile!

Link: Really? 'Cause you wear a dress _and_ a bow so . . .

Malo: My mother dresses me this way! I am a boy!

Link: Whatever. _(mutters)_ girl . . .

Malo: Why you little-!

_Malo tries to chase Link but trips on his dress and falls on his face. _

Malo: Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!

_Link laughs and runs into town. He goes into Sera's store._

Link: Gimme the slingshot!

Sera: Oh Link, my kitty's gone! I can't sell anything since I'm so depressed. Go get my kitty back!

Link: Fine. _(goes out of the store and walks towards the pier)_

Jaggle: Hey Link, come up here!

_Link takes a pumpkin and throws it at Jaggle, making him fall into the water. Link continues on to the pier. He grabs the cat and runs back to Sera's store, receiving many injuries from the angry cat on the way._

Link: Here, I got your freakin' cat back! _(throws the cat behind the counter and tries to stop his wounds from bleeding)_

Sera: Oh thank you Link! Here, you can have this bottle of milk in return! _(hands Link a bottle of milk)_

Link: Are you effing serious?! This is what I get for getting your cat back and knocking Jaggle into the water?!

Sera: What was that last part?

Link: Oh, uh, nothing . . .

Sera: Ok.

Link: Gimme the slingshot!

Sera: That'll be 50 Rupees.

_Link hits Sera with the bottle of milk and knocks her out. He grabs the slingshot and knocks a hornets' nest out of a tree, making the hornets chase after him._

Link: HOLY GODDESSES OF HYRULE! _(jumps into the water) _Damn bugs . . .

_Link get out of the water and miraculously dries off in five seconds. He walks over to Uli's house._

Uli: Help me get my cradle back and I'll give you the fishing rod!

Link: Wait, wasn't I supposed to get the fishing rod _before_ I saved the cat?

Uli: Uh, well, you never asked . . .

Link: So I just got scratched up and now I might have a disease from some mangy fur ball for no reason?!

Uli: Eh heh heh, yeah.

_Link pushes Uli over on her back so she is flailing around like a turtle and goes up to her house. Knowing that everyone but him in the village is stupid and doesn't lock their doors even when there is a monkey invasion, he opens her door and grabs the fishing rod. He runs back to his house to find Talo and Beth looking beat up._

Link: Aw dammit, you two are still alive . . .

_Rusl comes out of no where and walks over to Link._

Rusl: Link, go check inside your house. I have a surprise for you.

Link: You were in my freakin' house?! Get off my property!

_Link runs into his house as Rusl walks away, passing the pot which is still burning, and opens a chest which came from nowhere._

Link: Sweet, a sword! Aw, but this is just the crappy one. Oh well, I guess I can still whack those brats on the head a few times . . .

_Link goes back outside and over to the kids._

Talo: Hey Link, show us how to use the sword!

Link: What about the slingshot?!

Malo: A sword is cooler . . .

Link: Whatever. Get your own sword!

Talo: Hey, a monkey!

_Talo grabs Link's sword and the kids run off into the woods._

Link: Hey! Give me my sword back! _(chases after them)_

_Link chases after the kids until he gets to Beth._

Beth: Hey sexy, they went that way!

Link: _(throws a giant rock at Beth's head, knocking her out) _Don't call me sexy!

_Link runs to the bridge where he meets Malo._

Malo: They went over the bridge.

Link: Thanks little girl. _(pushes Malo over and runs away)_

_Link comes to a fence and realizes that he needs Epona to jump over it. He goes all the way back to his house, grabs Epona, and rides back to the fence and jumps it. He rides along some more until Epona stops in front of an open gate._

Link: Damn horse! Why won't you go?!

_A giant, man-eating plant comes out of the ground._

Link: Oh, that's why. _(gets off Epona and runs over to a dude with an afro)_

Dude With An Afro: Hi! I'm Coro. Buy some lantern oil so you can go into the dark, monster-infested tunnel!

Link: How 'bout I just take it from you?

Coro: Okie-dokie! _(gives Link the lantern)_

Link: Uh, you know you have birds in your hair, right?

Coro: Yeah, they won't leave me alone.

Link: Oh, I can help with that! _(lights Coro's hair on fire, making the birds fly away)_

Coro: OH MY GODDESSES! GET IT OFF! _(runs away screaming)_

Link: Oops . . . well, at least the birds are gone. _(walks back to the plant)_

Plant: _(drools)_

Link: Okay, now how am I going to defeat this thing without my sword . . .? Maybe I could- OH GODDESSES MY FOOT! IT'S GOT MY EFFING FOOT!

Plant:_ (chews on Link's foot)_

_Link wriggles out of his shoe and backs away. The plant eats Link's shoe, then falls over and dies._

Link: Aw come on! My feet don't smell that bad!

_Link picks up the seeds from the dead plant and walks into the tunnel. He stops when he sees Talo's play sword._

Link: Hey, Talo's sword! Maybe that means the brat's dead. Man I hope so . . . but I still have to get my sword back.

_Link picks up Talo's sword and goes through the tunnel until he gets to a big pit in the ground. He steps into it and is immediately spotted by bokoblins._

Link: Uh-oh. Well, here goes nothing! YEEE-AH! _(runs towards the bokoblins waving the play sword around and screaming like a crazy person)_

Bokoblin: _(in bokoblin chatter) _Whoa, this dude's crazy! Just back away slowly . . .

_The bokoblins back away and then turn and run._

Link: Well, that was easy.

_Link walks over to a cave, gets a key out of a chest, and opens a gate. He scares away some more bokoblins and comes to a bird with an afro._

Bird With An Afro: Hi, I'm Trill! Buy something mister!

Link: Wah! Talking bird! Run away! _(runs away)_

_Link goes up a winding path that leads to the Forest Temple. He sees Talo and the monkey being guarded by two bokoblins._

Link: There's my sword! _(takes sword off of one of the pillars)_

_Link attracts the attention of the two bokoblins, who try to both rush him at once. Link takes a step back as they are about to hit him, making them run into each other and explode. He starts to walk away._

Talo: Hey, what about me?!

Link: Ugh, fine!_ (breaks open cage)_

_Talo does a stupid dance and they go back to where Link left Epona. Talo runs away and Rusl comes out of nowhere again._

Link: Rusl, Talo took my sword!

Rusl: Oh, stop whining and get ready for your trip tomorrow! You might even get to see Princess Zelda!

Link: Whoop dee do.

_Link goes home, notices that the soup in the pot is still cooking, and goes to sleep. The next day he wakes up and goes to the ranch to help Fado._

Link: Dude, why are there ten more goats than yesterday?!

Fado: Idunno.

Link: And didn't I run over you yesterday?

Fado: _(looks around shiftily) _Um, no! That was my evil twin Odaf!

Link: Whatever.

_Link rounds up the goats and goes to talk to Mayor Bo. Ilia comes out of the house._

Ilia: Link, you hurt Epona! Even though I'm so in love with you that I stalk you and occasionally sleep outside your house at night I must punish you by taking Epona away! _(Ilia takes Epona away)_

Mayor Bo: But Ilia, how is Link supposed to get to Hyrule now?!

Link: What was that first part?!

Fado: Goat! There's a goat loose! Somebody stop it!

_Link steps out of the way as the goat comes barreling towards him. The goat makes it into town and starts on a wild rampage._

Mayor Bo: Why didn't you stop the goat?!

Link: And risk my life for this crappy village? I don't think so.

_Link walks back to his house to find the kids standing there, guarding the entrance to the woods._

Talo: Give us your sword or we won't let you pass!

Link: I can't believe I'm doing this, but here you go kids! Have fun playing with the dangerous weapon! Maybe you'll poke your eyes out or something . . .

Talo: YEAH! _(starts dancing around like a person who's high on something)_

Link: Okay . . . now let me through!

_The kids step put of the way and Link goes into the woods. He crawls through a very small tunnel, getting grass stains all over his pants in the process._

Link: Aw . . . and I just washed these three weeks ago!

_Link sees Ilia petting Epona._

Link: Ugh, for the 76,895 time, stop stealing my horse!

Ilia: You can take her back, only if you promise to take good care of her.

Link: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

_Just then, a huge Bulbo crashes through the gate. Ilia gets shot in the back with an arrow and falls over._

Link: Hallelujah!

_Link gets smacked in the head with the club and falls over. The bulbos take Ilia and Collin who magically appeared out of nowhere away, and Link wakes up._

Link: Aw dammit! Those kids have my sword! Again! Maybe I'll go the opposite way from where I saw them last!

_Link runs over the bridge and is grabbed by a black arm. The arm pulls him into a world with random squares floating around everywhere. Link is turned into a wolf and passes out because he lost his sexy, hunkalicious body. The thing that the back arm belongs to takes Link by the foot and pulls him to somewhere else, grumbling about always having to do the dirty work. Silently, a strange figure watches from the shadows . . ._

_

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**A/N: So, how did you like it? Please review!**


	2. Meeting Girls

**A/N: Yay, chapter two! Thanks fishylishy for reviewing!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or any lyrics mentioned in this chapter.**

**Meeting Girls**

_Link wakes up to find himself trapped in a jail cell and chained to the ground. He tries to bite the chain off but looks up quickly when he hears someone laugh. He looks up to find a little imp with a big thing on her head floating at the other end of the cell._

Little Imp With A Big Thing On Her Head: Eee-hee! I found you!

Link: _(barking but somehow the imp can understand him) _How did you find me?! Have you been stalking me?!

LIWABTOHH: _(looks around shiftily) _Um, no . . .

Link: Okay . . . so who are- OH GODDESSES YOU'RE NAKED!

LIWABTOHH: You just noticed that now?

Link: Put some clothes on woman!

LIWABTOHH: I don't have any clothes in my size! Besides, how am I supposed to put a shirt on with this big-ass thing on my head?

Link: You have a point there.

LIWABTOHH: Yes. So anyways . . . _(turns into bubbles and floats through the cracks in the cell door and then reforms) _I'll make you a deal. If you can find a way out of the cell, I'll help you get back to normal.

Link: Okie-dokie!

_Link spends the next hour butting his head against a wall while receiving a few hints from the imp. She laughs at him for a while but then gets bored so she decides to give him a big hint._

LIWABTOHH: FOR GODDESSES SAKES! JUST RUN INTO THE EFFIN' CRATES!

_Link runs into the crates and digs his way through a random hole in the ground which really shouldn't be there since a prisoner even a little smarter them Link could have gotten out in about two seconds._

LIWABTOHH: _(lands on Link's back) _Now you have to be my slave! Muhahaha!

Link: AHH! IT'S ON MY BACK! GET IT OFF! _(starts spinning around in circles)_

LIWABTOHH: Wah! Stop spinning! You're going to make me throw up!

Link: _(stops) _–gasp- Then you'll ruin my shiny new coat!

LIWABTOHH: Exactly! So just do what I tell you! Go find a way out of here!

_Link walks into the other jail cell and finds a loop on a chain._

LIWABTOHH: Just press the 'up' button if you need to talk to me.

Link: Why did you just tell me that?

LIWABTOHH: I'm not really sure . . .

_She and Link both turn to look at the camera and then turn back._

Link: Do you ever feel like you're being watched?

LIWABTOHH: Um . . . no, you're just going crazy! Now hurry up!

_Link and the imp go through a tunnel that opened and come to a ball of light._

LIWABTOHH: Ooh, use your sense view to look at the ball of light!

Link: Ugh, fine . . . _(turns on his sense view and sees a spirit) _AH! GHOST! IT'S A GHOST! RUN AWAY!

_Link runs as fast as he can with the imp screaming and holding onto his fur for dear life. Link runs with such force that he crashes through the gates and comes to a stop at the gate at the end of the tunnel, sending the little imp flying. She just manages to turn into bubbles before she goes flying through the gate._

LIWABTOHH: YOU STUPID WOLF! YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN ME KILLED! I'M TOO IMPORTANT TO BE KILLED!

Link: Ow, my wittle paws . . . _(looks at his paws which are bleeding from running over random spikes stuck into the ground)_

LIWABTOHH: Ugh, you're not even listening to me! You know what? Just for that, go find your own way out!

Link: B-but . . .

LIWABTOHH: GO!

_Link turns and runs. He finds another random lever and bites it, making the water level go down. He runs back to the imp and finds a tunnel and crawls through it. He comes out and the imp lands on his back, hard._

Link: Ow! What the hell?!

LIWABTOHH: Go up the stairs.

Link: Don't I get a cookie for figuring that out all by myself?

LIWABTOHH: No.

Link: Then why the hell am I helping you?!

LIWABTOHH: _(grabs Link's ear and screams into it) _GRAR!

Link: AH! I'm going!

_Link runs up the stairs a little ways before it collapses, making him and the imp fall into the water. The imp gets pissed off and decides to help Link jump across. The two of them continue up the stairwell before coming out onto a roof._

LIWABTOHH: Yay, we're almost there! Now hurry up!

Link: Where exactly are we going, may I ask?

LIWABTOHH: We're going to that really pointy tower. Oh look, another spirit! And don't you dare take off running again!

Link: _(turns on his sense view) _I see dead people . . .

LIWABTOHH: Yes, I do too. Now get going!

Link: You don't seem too disturbed by this.

LIWABTOHH: You get used to it.

Link: Um, okay . . .

_Link and the imp travel across the roof, killing a few twilight kargoks and nearly falling to their deaths several times. They make it to the really pointy tower and go in through the window. They run up another staircase and enter a bedroom. They walk over to a cloak figure standing by the window. The imp giggles as Link growls at the figure. The figure turns, startled, when she hears the growling._

Cloaked Figure: Midna?!

Midna: 'Sup.

Link: Oh, so _that's_ your name . . . I was just going to call you shorty.

Midna: _(glares at Link and says through clenched teeth) _What did you just call me?

CF: Midna, calm down . . .

Midna: Whatever. So, aren't you going to tell the dog what you've managed to do . . . _Twilight Princess_? Eee-hee!

_The supposed "Twilight Princess" tells Link about how she was just minding her own business doing her nails when a big guy wearing a frog-like mask stormed into her castle. He gave her a choice to either surrender to him or he would just walk away and pretend that nothing ever happened. So, naturally, she surrendered and doomed her world to perpetual twilight._

CF: _(takes off hood) _I am Zelda.

Midna: Wow, really? I would have _never _guessed . . .

Link: ZOMG MIDNA LOOK! IT'S ZELDA!

Midna: _(rolls her eyes at Link)_

Zelda: So, even though I could just sneak out of the castle quite easily myself, I want _you_ to save Hyrule!

Link: What?! Are you effing serious?!

Zelda: Yes, I am. And let's watch the language please. There are children present.

Midna: Hey! Just because I'm small doesn't mean I'm a child!

Zelda: Yeah, yeah. Now hurry up and leave! There's a guard coming!

Link: How do you know?

Zelda: Uh . . . I'm psychic! Ooooh! _(waves hands around like she's predicting something)_

Midna: More like psycho . . .

Link: Oooh, predict something!

Zelda: Um, I predict that you will get your ass kicked by an imp with orange hair if you don't get moving soon.

Link:_ (turns to look at Midna) _Hey, you have orange hair!

Midna: Yes, I do. Now get moving before I kick your ass!

Link: Yes ma'am. Bye Zelda!

_Zelda waves and Link and Midna leave. They go back out onto the roof and Midna bounces over to the very edge._

Link: _(thinking) _Hmm, it wouldn't be very hard to push her off . . . if I could just get close enough . . .

Midna: Don't even think about it dog boy! Besides, I would just float right back up.

Link: Dammit.

Midna: So, what do you want to do next? _(turns into Collin and then Ilia) _

Link: Ah! You turned into the &*#%*!

Midna: Excuse me?!

Link: Ilia. She's a &*#%*.

Midna: Um, okay . . . so I suppose you'll want to help them, huh?

Link: -sigh- Sure, I guess . . .

Midna: Good. Then I can use you as my slave to help me achieve my dream of killing the mentally ill person who took my kingdom away! Muhahaha!

Link: What was that?!

Midna: Um, nothing . . . well, let's go!

Link: Yay! I'm going home, to the place where I belong. Where you're love is always strong enough for me!

Midna: Uh, okay . . . that was awkward . . . Oh by the way, I'll have to go with you and you'll have to be my slave.

Link: But-

Midna: You _will_ be my slave? Great! Here we go then!

_Midna warps Link back to Ordon Village. But little does Link know that the people in his village don't take to kindly to random wolves showing up in the middle of the night . . ._


	3. Cuccos, Fred, and Gangster Link

**A/N: Yay, chapter three is up! And yes, Anmlvr, it's me. Thanks for reviewing! And thanks again fishylishy!**

**Cuccos, Fred, and Gangster Link**

_Link and Midna appear in Ordon Spring._

Link: How did you _do_ that?!

Midna: I have my ways. Well, bye for now! _(goes into Link's shadow)_

Link: Wait! Where the heck did she go? Oh well . . . at least she's gone!

_Link starts walking along but glances down and notices that his shadow looks as if Midna is still sitting on his back._

Link: Oh goddesses! She's still here! NOOOOO!

Midna: _(comes out of Link's shadow) _Eee-hee! I fooled you! That was funny . . . so anyways, go get me a sword and shield!

Link: Can you even fight?

Midna: You wanna find out, dog boy?

_Link and Midna run towards Link's house but are attacked by a bulblin as soon as they step inside the gate. Link fights off the monster and it explodes into a cloud of dust._

Link: Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Don't mess with P-Doggy!

Midna: Ugh, will you SHUT UP?! And stop acting all gangster!

Random Squirrel: Um, t-thanks for saving me . . .

Midna: Oh goddesses, now all the _other_ animals are talking to me too? Great. I must be going insane.

Link: Yup. But more importantly . . . _(licks lips and goes into a crouching position) _Mmm . . . squirrel . . .

RS: Aw sugar.

_Link chases the squirrel around until it runs up a tree, leaving Link sitting at the bottom of it for an hour before Midna finally convinces him to go get a sword and shield._

Link: I almost had him . . .

Midna: Whatever. Just hurry up!

Link: Can you _ever _talk without using exclamation points at the end of your sentences?!

Midna: Yes I can, but- wait, how did you know about my punctuation?!

Link: It's right here in the script, see? _(shows Midna the script that appeared out of nowhere) _Look, you're going to say "Link, you're not supposed to see that!" and I'm going to be like "But I want to know what happens next!" and then you're going to-

Midna: Link, you're not supposed to see that!

Link: But I want to know what happens next!

Midna: Just give me the script.

Link: OMG! Ganondork is in this story, too?!

Midna: NO! You're going to spoil the whole story! _(takes script and throws it and then turns to the camera) _Pay no attention to the stupid dog standing in the road!

Link: HEY!

_Midna smacks Link on the head._

Link: OW! VIOLENCE! SOMEONE STOP THE VIOLENCE!

_Midna smacks Link again and he shuts up and goes into Ordon Village. They walk over to the waterwheel and Link crouches down when he sees Jaggle and Mayor Bo talking._

Jaggle: So, you want to discuss where the only weapons in this village are out in the open where anyone can here us?

Mayor Bo: Yeah, especially now that all of the children have been captured and we don't know where they are and the enemies could be right behind us and we wouldn't even know because we're so stupid!

Jaggle: Well, the shield is in my house and the sword is in Rusl's house.

Mayor Bo: Sweet. Oh yeah, and- AH! IT'S A WOLF! RUN!

_Jaggle and the mayor run off to some random place and Link looks up at Jaggle's house and sees an open window._

Midna: Ugh, this village is full of idiots . . .

Link: Hey, I live in this village!

Midna: My point exactly.

_Link glares at Midna and then they go off to look for a way to get up to the window. As they walk by Hanch, he freaks out and hurls a hawk at them. They run away after getting scratched up a little bit and go to stand by Pergie's shop._

Midna: Hey, let's sneak up and scare that guy!

Link: But, what if he falls into the water?

Midna: And I should care why?

Link: Yeah, you have a point.

_Midna helps Link jump up onto the top of the shop and they sneak up behind Hanch. He sees them and screams like a little girl and jumps into the water. They jump across to the open window and go inside Jaggle's house._

Link: Hmm, I wonder why Jaggle didn't just run into his house when he saw me. I mean, he was standing right in front of it . . .

Midna: Like I said, this village is full of idiots. Now hurry up and get that shield!

_Link buts his head against the wall so hard that he knocks himself unconscious. Midna grabs the shield and debates whether to lave Link lying there. She decides to wake him up since she's too lazy to go float anywhere by herself. She lights Link's tail on fire and he wakes up and jumps out the window and into the water. Midna laughs at him and lands on his back as he shakes his fur dry, getting all wet in the process. She screams at him some more and they go over to Rusl's house. They sneak around the side and find a cucco._

Cucco: Hey, you look really soft! I like soft things! Like when the **ground is so soft you can dig through it**!

Link: Um, why did you just bold that last part of your sentence?

Midna: Link, give me the freakin' script! _(takes the script which appears out of nowhere again and throws it into the trash can which also appears out of nowhere)_

Link: Hey, recycle!

Midna: Whatever. And didn't I already throw the script?

Link: Well, dogs _are_ really good at fetching . . .

Cucco: Now I have a new favorite thing! Can I pet you?

Link: Um . . . no, this is getting a little weird . . .

Cucco: Come on, can't I just pet your soft, luxurious fur? Please?

Link: Uh, I don't think-

Cucco: LET ME PET YOU! I MUST PET YOU! _(runs after Link until the wolf is backed up against the wall and starts petting him with his wing)_

Midna: What the-?!

Link: Go away! I feel really uncomfortable!

Cucco: Soft fur . . . so soft . . .

Link: _(starts whimpering) _Midna, I'm scared!

Midna: Ugh, fine. I guess I have to do _everything_ around here . . .

_Midna shoots an energy blast at the cucco, frying him alive, and goes into Link's shadow. Link quickly digs under Rusl's house before Rusl and Uli come around the side and thank the Gods of Hyrule for the free cucco. Link emerges inside of Rusl's house and picks up the sword. He passes by unnoticed by Uli and Rusl who are having dinner out by the side of their house. The wolf runs back to the spring and stops when a strange voice calls to him . . ._

Strange Voice: Hey fuzz-butt! Get over here!

Link: _(walks into the spring) _You talkin' to me?

SV: Yeah, I guess I am. Oh wait, you need to run away now!

Link: But you just called me over here!

SV: I know, but you need to go!

Link: Why?!

_A random portal opens up in the sky and the black monster that pulled Link into the Twilight falls and lands on his head._

Black Monster That Pulled Link Into The Twilight: Ow! Dammit, it's always my freakin' head!

Link: OMG! It's the black monster that pulled me into the Twilight and made me loose my sexy, hunkalicious body!

BMTPLITT: My name is Fred, for your information.

Link: Oh. Well, it's nice to meet you Fred!

Fred: Nice to meet you, too! It's too bad I have to destroy you now . . . You seem like such a nice wolf.

Link: Wait, what?!

Fred: Yes, I was sent to destroy you, so now you must parish!

Link: Hold on, what happens if you _don't_ destroy me?

Fred: Then I won't get my free decaf mocha frappachino!

Link: Uh, what?

Fred: You see, there's a special deal going on in the Starbucks near my house where they give you a free frappachino if you kill an animal from the Light Realm. It's only going on today and you need proof that you actually killed something and you didn't just make it up, so I'll have to bring your dead body back with me as well.

Link: Uh . . .

Fred: Yes, so now-

Random Voice Coming From The Portal: Please insert twenty-five cents to continue this visit to the Light Realm.

Fred: Aw crap. Hold on . . ._ (rummages around in his pockets) _Dammit! Hey dog, you got a quarter?

Link: Uh . . . no?

Fred: Frig! _(gets sucked back up into the portal because the money he put into the Warp Portal Machine ran out)_

Link: What the hell was that about?!

Midna: _(says in a Gir voice) _I don't know!

Link: Wah! Where the heck did you come from?!

Midna: I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now! Doom doom do doom doom . . .

Link: Um, are you okay?

Midna: Yes sir, the waffles are fully charged! _(salutes Link and goes back into his shadow)_

Link: What the freak?!

SV: Yay, now I can talk to you!

Link: You're still here?

SV: _(appears looking like a goat with a ball of light between its antlers) _I am the Spirit of Light, Ordona!

Link: Hooray for you.

Ordona: Go into Faron Woods and save the Light Spirit that resides there!

Link: And what if I don't want to?

Ordona: Then you'll be stuck as a wolf, _and_ you'll be stuck with Midna for the rest of your life.

Link: Damn.

Ordona: I would get going soon because I think all this light is getting to her . . .

Link: But it's nighttime . . .

Ordona: DON'T CONTRADICT ME! JUST GET GOING!

Link: Okay, okay! Jeez, you sound like Midna . . .

_Link runs over the bridge until he gets to the big black gate._

Midna: _(pops out of Link's shadow) _Do you have bread?

Link: Um, no . . .

Midna: Oh well, that's a shame . . . so, want me to let you into the Twilight?

Link: -sigh- Yeah, I guess . . .

Midna: _(laughs evilly) _Excellent . . .

_Midna floats through the gate as Link gives her a worried glance. Nothing happens for a moment until a big orange hand comes out of the gate._

Link: HOLY SH-

_Link is grabbed by the hand and pulled back into the twilight . . ._


	4. Eeeeew! Bugs!

**A/N: Okay, here we go . . .**

**Midna: Yay! The author said we could do the disclaimer for this chapter!**

**Link: Hooray.**

**Random Fan Girls: OMG! IT'S LINK! WE LOVE YOU LINK!**

**Link: Well, it's seems I'm quite the ladies man tonight . . .**

**Midna: What the heck is your problem you crazy people?! This is _parody_ Link. He's as dumb as a rock!**

**Link: Hey! I'll have you know that I am smarter than the average carrot!**

**Midna: What?!**

**Link: You said I was as dumb as a rock. A rock is an animal. Therefore, I am smarter than the average carrot!**

**Midna: . . .**

**Midna3452 (aka The Author): Guys, just get back to the disclaimer.**

**Midna: Hey, why do you have almost the same name as me?! **

**The Author: I'm the author. I can do whatever I want. Like, for instance, I can change your name to Midona if you keep up the attitude.**

**Midna: You wouldn't!**

**Midona (aka Midna): I hate you!**

**Midna3452: Yes, so anyways, Link, do the disclaimer.**

**Link: Uh . . . I got nothin'.**

**The Author: Okay, that works! I don't own nothin!**

**Link: I . . .I got it right?! This is the happiest day of my life! (runs over and gives Midna (oops, sorry, _Midona_) a hug)**

**Midona: Get off me dog boy! And change my name back!**

**The Author: Now on with the story!**

* * *

**Eeeeew! Bugs!**

_Link lands on the ground and Midna, in her solid form, lands on his back._

Link: Ow . . . I think I broke something . . .

Midna: Like what?

Link: Like . . . everything . . .

Midna: Oops. Well, I'll be more careful next time.

Link: _(jumps up and turns his head to look at Midna) _NEXT TIME?!

Midna: Yeah. You didn't think this was the _only _Twilight you were going to see, did you? Eee-hee! Now get going!

Link: Ugh, again with the commands . . .

Midna: MOVE!

_They run until they come to a glade surrounded by trees. Just then, three black monsters fall from the sky._

Midna: Not these guys again! Well, I'm sure you can handle them all by yourself, right? So, I'll see you later! _(flees Link's back and disappears)_

Link: Wait! Midna! Ugh, stupid little girl . . .

Midna: _(says from out of nowhere) _I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL!

_Link looks around frantically to see where her voice is coming from, but he realizes that he is surrounded by the black monsters._

Link: Eh heh heh . . . hey Fred. Long time no see, eh?

Fred: Okay fluffy, I'm in a bad mood since I checked the Starbucks and they said they have no more mocha frappuchinos, so I'll just have to settle for a caramel one. Now hold still while I rip your head off!

Link: WAIT! Uh . . . did you do something to your hair?

Fred: Why, yes I did! _(slicks his hair or whatever is on his head back) _Do you like it?

Link: Yeah, it really suits you!

Other Black Monster Number 1: Well, I think it's hideous.

Other Black Monster Number 2: I'm going with Cherry on this one.

Fred: Well who asked you anyways?!

Cherry: No one. I just thought I'd give you some constructive criticism.

Fred: Constructive criticism my ass! You're just jealous!

Cherry: Oh, _please_! Why would I be jealous of _you_, Mr. I-secretly-paint-my-nails-but-I-paint-them-black-so-no-one-knows-that-I-secretly-paint-my-nails?!

Fred: -gasp- How did you know?! You stalker!

OBMN2: Now now, there's no need for name calling.

Cherry: Shut up, Bob!

Bob: -gasp- How _dare_ you call me by my own name?! _(slaps Cherry across the face)_

Cherry:_ (slaps him back)_

Fred: Ooh, catfight!

_The three monsters fight until they eventually kill eachother in some horrible way that the author is to lazy to write about. They fall over and are sucked back into the portal. Link starts walking but stops to growl at Midna when she lands on his back again. They continue on until they get to another spring._

Voice From The Spring: Beast . . . come closer . . .

Link:_ (walks closer to the voice)_

VFTS: Closer . . .

Link: _(walks closer until he steps into a particularly deep part of the spring and falls over, soaking himself and Midna)_

VFTS: Bwahahahaha! That was hilarious! You just made my day! So anyways, there are some tears of light that I need you to pick up for me. Carry them in this. _(somehow gives Link the Vessel of Light) _Well, I gots to go! Toodles!

Link: Wait! What the heck am I supposed to be looking for?! Ugh, stupid voices coming out of nowhere . . .

Midna: You know, you really shouldn't say that kind of stuff around other people . . .

Link: Ah! Midna, where did you come from?!

Midna: I've been sitting on your back for the past ten lines, you idiot!

Link: Well, you never said anything, so I thought you had left!

Midna: _(sighs exasperatedly) _Whatever, Link. Just go find those tears.

_Link and Midna run through the tunnel leading to the place where the plant that ate Link's shoe once stood. They stop when they see a spark run across the ground._

Link: Whoa, what the heck is that?!

Midna: Use your sense view to check it out.

Link: Hey, how do you always know what I'm supposed to do?

Midna: I'm your fairy helper for this game. Except I'm not a fairy. I'm not really an imp either, but that's another story . . .

Link: You're not an imp? Then what the heck is on my back?!

Midna: Just forget I said anything!

Link: Fine then. _(turns on his sense view) _Hey, a bug!

Midna: Eeeeeeew! I hate bugs! They're so gross!

Link: Not this little guy! Look how cute he is! Who's a cute little bug? You are! You are! Who- AW FREAK! HE BIT MY NOSE! Bad bug!

Midna: Just kill it already!

Link: _(eats the bug) _Mmm . . . tastes like cucco!

_Midna makes a disgusted face and tries not to throw up. When she is ready, they continue on until they come to the place where the plant was. However, instead of a plant there is a locked gate in its place. Link watches as he sees another spark go under the gate. Link gets ready to dig under the gate._

Midna: Wait! Don't you think you should check around that hut to see if there's a key?

Link: I can't use a key as a wolf, but I'll go over there to see if that guy's hair is okay.

Midna: His hair?

Link: Yeah, I set it on fire a while ago.

Midna: . . . I don't want to know.

_Link and Midna run over to Coro's hut. Midna helps Link jump inside and they see Coro standing on a table. He is completely bald._

Coro: Where are all these bugs coming from?! Oh well, at least that guy hasn't come back . . . when he does, I'm gonna kill him!

Link: Um, Midna? Maybe we should just leave . . .

Midna: He can't hear you, stupid!

Coro: Hey, who just said that?

Link: You were saying?

Coro: Can I take my coffee break now? I've been standing on this table for five hours straight waiting for you two to come and get these damn bugs!

Midna: Shut up! You're going to ruin the whole physics of this game!

Coro: Since when did this game have anything to do with physics? Whatever that is . . .

Link: And why do you keep calling this a game?

Midna: Uh, well . . . this whole adventure just feels like a game so far, doesn't it? Heh heh . . .

Link: _(looks at Midna suspiciously but then lets it go)_

The Author: _(voice comes out of nowhere) _Nice save, Midna.

Midna: Thanks!

Link: _(looks around frantically to find the voice) _

TA: And remember, Link must never know . . .

Link: I must never know _what_?

Midna: Uh, nothing.

Link: Great, more random voices coming from nowhere. I swear, as soon as I get my body back, I'm going to go see a therapist.

Midna: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hurry up and collect those tears!

_Link collects the tears in and around Coro's house, and then goes over to the gate. He digs under it and kills a few more Twilight Parasites before going into another tunnel. He comes out of the tunnel and sees a purple fog hanging over the pit that he was in before. He jumps into it and Midna gets off his back and shakes her head as he falls down into the mist._

Midna: _(floats back over to the land) _Oh well, I guess I'll just have to find another stupid dog to help me . . .

_Link randomly appears out of nowhere._

Midna: _(whirls around) _Whoa, where the heck did you come from?!

Link: I . . . I really don't know . . .

Midna: Okay . . . well anyways, let's go find the rest of those tears! I can help you jump across this pit.

_Link kills a few more Parasites before being practically dragged across the pit by Midna. He screams as she pulls him from one tree branch to another, and he is so scared he doesn't even realize that they're already back on solid ground._

Midna: Link, you can stop screaming now!

Link: AHHH- oh, we're already across. That wasn't so hard!

_Midna rolls her eyes and Link eats some more bugs and they head through another gate. They come out of yet another tunnel and all of a sudden another portal opens. A tour bus full of Twilight Messengers lands on the ground next to Link._

Twilight Messenger Tour Guide: And folks, if you look to your left, you'll see a real light-dwelling wolf!

Twilight Messenger Tourists: Ooh . . . ahh . . .

TMTG: Who wants to see it get run over?!

TMT: YEAH!

Link: AHHHHH!

_The bus starts coming towards Link very fast. He just manages to jump out of the way before the bus crashes into a rock wall and everyone on it dies and gets sucked back into the portal._

Link: _(lying on the ground with his paws over his head and whimpering) _Are they gone?

Midna: Yes, Link, you've managed to kill even _more_ creatures from the Twilight.

Link: Why are you so defensive about the twilight monsters?!

Midna: They're not monsters! They're just misunderstood! And I, um . . . I don't think its right to kill other creatures!

Link: Ha! You would kill me if you didn't need me to help you!

Midna: True, true.

Link: _(looks at Midna nervously) _You, uh, you weren't supposed to actually agree with me . . .

Midna: Would you rather I lie to you?

Link: _(keeps staring at Midna nervously) _Eh heh heh, let's just go get those tears, shall we?

_They run up the path to the Forest Temple and manage to collect all the tears of light. They are immediately whisked back to the spring and the Light has returned to the area._

VFTS: _(appears as a deformed monkey) _I am the Spirit of Light, Faron!

Link: Hooray for you.

Faron: Look at your awakened form!

Link: _(looks at himself and notices that he has on a new outfit) _Aw sweet!

Faron: The tunic that you wear once belonged to the Hero Chosen by the Gods.

Link: Did he wash this thing before he died?

Faron: Um, actually, me and the other Spirits of Light sort of dug up his grave to get this thing . . . he was still wearing it when we dug him out . . . we forgot to take it to the dry cleaners. Sorry!

Link: Eh, whatever. At least it goes with my eyes!

Faron: . . . Just go to the Forest Temple, alright? _(disappears)_

Link: Wait! Aren't you supposed to tell me why I have to go there?!

Faron: No, you're too much of a weirdo!

Link: Psh, whatever!

Midna: _(pops out of Link's shadow) _Hey, nice duds!

Link: Thanks! I really think they flatter my figure.

Midna: . . .

Link: You know, my sexy, hunkalicious body?

Midna: . . . no comment . . . at all . . .

Link: You just don't understand!

Midna: No. No I don't. So, what are you going to do now, Mr. Important Hero? Eee-hee!

Link: I'm going to go to the Forest Temple because the big, bright, deformed monkey told me to.

Midna: Alrighty then, have fun with that. I'll just tag along. Well, see you later! _(goes into Link's shadow) _

Link: Bye!

_Link runs towards the Forest Temple singing "I'm too sexy for my tunic, too sexy for my tunic, so sexy . . ."_

* * *

**A/N: You know the drill . . .**

**Midona: See the button right there? Just press it and review! Then all your wildest dreams will come true!**

**Link: Really?! I'm going to go press the button now! (runs over to a red button)**

**Midona: WAIT! DON'T PRESS THAT! IT'S THE SELF-DESTRUCT BU-!**

**Link presses the button and the room explodes . . . To be continued! **

**Oh yeah, and about the Midona thing . . . I'm pretty sure that's how her name is supposed to be translated in Japanese, but i could be wrong . . . anyways, review please!**


	5. The Problem With Dead Guys

**A/N: Okay, here's the next chapter!**

**Midna: Hey, where's Link?**

**Link: (in the closet tied to the chair with a gag over his mouth)**

**The Author: Uh, I put him somewhere that he won't go after anymore self-destruct buttons.**

**Midna: Oh. We're all okay, by the way. Link just had some minor injuries . . .**

**The Author: Yeah, so anyways onto the disclaimer . . . ugh . . .**

**Diclamer: You all know why I'm here. Midna3452 donsn't own Zelda or anything to do with it whatsoever.**

**The Author: Thank you, diclaimer. Now on with the story!**

* * *

**The Problem With Dead Guys**

_Link walks along until he comes to the locked gate. He realizes that the only way to get through is to see if Coro has a key, so he walks over to Coro's hut._

Link: Uh, hey Coro . . .

Coro: You! Do you see what you did to me?! My beautiful afro is gone! It took me five years to grow that thing! FIVE YEARS!

Link: Yeah, sorry about that. I was just wondering, do you happen to have a key to that gate over there?

Coro: So what if I do? What'll you give me for it?

Link: Um, hold on, let me see here . . . _(rummages around in his pockets and takes out a few items) _Uh, I got a button, a piece of string, some pocket lint, a piece of hawk grass, another button, and a rupee. Will that cover it?

Coro: Not even close.

Link: Then what do you want?!

Coro: How about that nice hat you got there?

Link: What?! No, I love this hat! _(grabs the end of his hat and starts stroking it)_ It's the only thing that goes with my outfit! Besides, hats like this are only meant to be worn be sexy people like me!

Midna: _(says from Link's shadow) _Pff, yeah right.

Link: Shut up, Impy! _(steps on his shadow)_

Midna: OW! YOU KNOW WHAT LINK, EFF YOU! JUST GO EFF YOURSELF!

Link: No thank you, I think I'll pass! But you may do so if you wish!

Midna: . . .

Coro: . . .

You: . . .

Coro: Yeah, you know what? You can just have the key . . . I don't think I feel comfortable around you anymore . . .

Link: Well fine then! I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU! _(grabs the key and stomps off towards the gate) _

_Link opens the gate and goes through the tunnel. He come out at the pit full of purple mist and decides to take out his lantern for no apparent reason. Just then, a monkey runs up and snatches it._

Link: Yo! Gimme ma money back, foo!

Midna: Link, she stole your lantern, not your money . . .

Link: Oh, right. Well, I might as well follow her.

_Link follows the monkey's path until she leads them straight into a mob of keese._

Link: Aw, what the hell man?! Can't you lead us through the _not_ monster-infested path?

_Link kills the keese and a few other monsters until they finally make it out of the mist. The monkey drops the lantern and runs away._

Link: _(picks up the lantern)_ Aw man! That damn monkey used up all my lantern oil! I guess I'll have to buy some from that creepy bird . . . _(shudders) _

_Link runs along through another gate and comes out at the spot where the Twilight Messenger tour bus appeared before. _

Link: Hey, I never noticed before, but this space is big! It's a good place to run around in! _(starts running around in circles and laughing like Peter from Family Guy) _Ehehehehehehehe-ow! _(trips on a rock and lands on his knee. He sits up, holds his knee and starts rocking back and forth like Peter) _hss . . . ah . . . hss . . . ah . . . hss . . . ah . . .

Midna: _(pops out of Link's shadow) _Oh my freakin' god, SHUT UP!

Link: Midna, it hurts . . .

Midna: Link, I'm sure it's not that- HOLY GODDESSES! _(sees Link's knee gushing out blood when he takes hands away)_

Link: Wah! I want my mommy!

Midna: Uh, why don't you just go to the hospital instead of crying for your mommy?

Link: Wait- my mommy's dead! OH GODDESSES SHE'S DEAD! WAH!

Midna: Link, calm down!

Link: Midna, will you hold me?

Midna: Excuse me?! Okay, first of all, I'm a shadow and you'd go right through me if you tried to touch me, so I couldn't hold you even if I wanted to. Which I don't, by the way. And secondly, you're bigger than me! I'd be crushed!

Link: _(eats a piece of bee larva and his wounds instantly heal up and stop bleeding) _Never mind. I'm all better now.

Midna: Okay . . . just hurry up and get to the temple!

_Link walks very slowly over towards Trill so as not to fall down again, causing Midna to come out of his shadow to yell at him some more until he speeds up. _

Trill: Hey! Buy something mister!

Link: Creepy bird . . . I mean, I'll just take some lantern oil please.

Trill: That'll be twenty rupees.

Link: Here, just take it! _(throws the money at Trill) _And stop talking to me! _(runs away)_

Trill: _(mutters) _Freak . . .

_Link runs over to the entrance to the winding path but skids to a stop when he sees a white wolf. He takes out his sword and the wolf jumps up and bites Link's head._

Midna: Oh my goddesses!

_Link passes out and wakes up in a strange, cloud-like area._

Link: _(stands up) _Whoa, where the heck am I? _(whirls around to find a skeleton standing right in front of him) _OH GODDESSES, A DEAD GUY! AHHHHH! Wait- that must mean that I'm dead! Nooooo!

Dead Guy: Dude, calm down. You're not dead.

Link: I . . . I'm not? Oh thank the goddesses. But, if I'm not dead, than who are you?

DG: You may call me the Hero's Shade if you wish.

Link: Can I just call you Creepy?

Hero's Shade: Um, I don't think-

Link: _(frowns) _YOU SHALL BE CALLED CREEPY! _(runs at the Hero's Shade brandishing his sword and knocks the skeleton over)_

HS: Dude, what is your freakin' problem?!

Link: _(touches the Hero's shoulders one by one and has a serious look on his face) _I now christen thee Creepy! You shall be known as Creepy McCreepy Pants from now on!

***

_**What this looks like from Midna's point of view:**_

_The wolf jumps up and bites Link's head._

Midna: Oh my goddesses!

_Link's eyes roll back and he drops his sword and passes out. The wolf suddenly disappears._

Midna: What the hell?! _(floats over to Link and tries to nudge him awake, but her arm goes right through him) _Dammit!

_Just then Link stands up and picks up his sword. His eyes are still closed and Midna realizes that he is still asleep._

Midna: Uh, Link?

Link: Whoa, where the heck am I? _(suddenly whirls around like there's someone behind him) _OH GODDESSES, A DEAD GUY! AHHHH! Wait- that must mean that I'm dead! Nooooo!

Midna: Um, Link? What are you talking about?

_There is a moment of silence._

Link: I . . . I'm not? Oh thank the goddesses. But, if I'm not dead, than who are you?

Midna: _(floats around to the front of Link) _I'm Midna. You knew that! Wait- your eyes are still closed! Who the heck are you talking to?

Link: Can I just call you creepy?

Midna: No! Wait- why am I even talking to you?! You don't even realize I'm here, do you? Helloooo! _(waves a hand in front of Link's face) _

Link: _(frowns) _YOU SHALL BE CALLED CREEPY! _(runs at Midna brandishing his sword and slices right through her)_

Midna: AH! WHAT THE HELL LINK?! YOU ARE _SO_ LUCKY I'M IN MY SHADOW FORM RIGHT NOW!

Link: _(makes a move like he's knighting someone) _I now christen thee Creepy! You shall be known as Creepy McCreepy Pants from now on!

Midna: Yeah, I'm just going to go back into your shadow now . . . call me when you're not insane anymore . . . wait- you're always insane. Then just . . . ugh, never mind! _(goes into Link's shadow)_

***

_**Back in the visionary world . . .**_

HS (aka Creepy): Um okay . . . do you want to learn a new sword move or not?

Link: _(smiles and jumps up and down like a little kid who just got a pound of chocolate for Christmas) _Ooh ooh! Yes, new sword move! New sword move!

Creepy: Alrighty then, I shall now teach you the ending blow.

Link: WOOHOO! I love the ending blow! Wait . . . wait . . . what's the ending blow?

Creepy: _(sigh) _Let me show you. _(shows Link the ending blow) _Now you try it.

Link: What, on you?

Creepy: Yes, who else would you try it on? Besides, you can't hurt me, so it's no big deal.

Link: You mean . . . I can hit you as many times as I want and you'll never get hurt?

Creepy: Uh, yeah, I guess . . .

Link: _(smiles like a crazy person and runs at Creepy wildly slashing his sword) _BWAHAHAHAHAHA! This is awesome!

Creepy: I swear, if you don't stop that I'll-

Link: Ahahahaha!

Creepy: OKAY, THAT'S IT!

_Creepy pushes Link back and then brings his hand up and squeezes it shut. Link drops his sword as he is lifted up into the air and holds his throat like he's being choked._

Link: Ack . . . stop . . . please!

Creepy: Are you going to ever do that again?

Link: _(gasping for breath; face is turning blue) _No . . . no . . . never again . . .

Creepy: Alright, I'll trust you this time. _(puts his hand down and Link falls over and lies on the ground, trying to get his breath back)_

Link: _(glances up at Creepy) _How did . . . you . . . do that?

Creepy: Because Link, I am your father!

Link: WHAT?!

Creepy: I mean, uh . . . just go back to your realm! Learn the move on your own!

Link: Wait! Will I ever see you again?

Creepy: -sigh- Unfortunately, that is probably the case. Now goodbye!

_Creepy waves his hand and the world fades away as Link passes out again. Link wakes up to see the forest around him. He stands up and holds his head._

Link: Whoa . . . hey Midna!

Midna: _(pops out of Link's shadow)_ Are you awake now?

Link: Um, yeah . . . but guess what happened?! There was this skeleton dude and he tried to teach me this sword move and-

Midna: Yes, I know. You would have killed me, had I not been in my shadow form.

Link: Oh. Oops.

Midna: Whatever. Just go to the temple before something else happens . . .

Link: Hey, I shouldn't have called that guy Creepy . . . you're much creepier than him. . .

Midna: Excuse me?

Link: Hm . . . I guess I'll just call you Impy.

Midna: NO!

Link: Shorty?

Midna: God damn it Link! No!

Link: Ooh I know! I'll call you Princess!

Midna: _(stares at Link, looking shocked) _What?

Link: Well, you _do_ act like one . . .

Midna: What the hell is that supposed to mean, dog boy?!

Link: Never mind, I was just kidding! Like you could ever be a princess . . .

Midna: _(glares at Link and says through gritted teeth) _Just go to the temple before I kick your ass.

Link: Why are you so angry all of a sudden?!

Midna: _(hair turns into a hand) _JUST GO!

Link: Holy crap! _(runs as fast as he can to the temple)_

_Midna tries to hit Link on the head but she goes right through him. She curses and goes back into his shadow, leaving Link really freaked out that she'll randomly try to kill him and wondering what the hell he did wrong. He takes out his lantern and burns down the spider web at the entrance to the Temple. He takes out his sword and steps inside . . ._

_

* * *

_

**A/N: I hope you all liked that chapter. Please review! Next will be . . . the Forest Temple! Dun dun dun . . .**


	6. The Temple of the Monkeys

**A/N: Hey, everyone! Sorry I haven't updated in a while! But i'm going to be able to work on this story more often so you shouldn't have to wait too long for new chapters!**

**Diclaimer: -sigh- I still own nuthin' . . .**

**The Temple of the Monkeys**

_Link steps inside the temple and is immediately attacked by a random keese. He fights off the monster and comes into a long chamber. He spots the monkey trapped in a cage at the far end and notices she is being guarded by a bokoblin. _

Link: What the hell?! How many times can you get freakin' captured?! God damn it!

_Link angrily stomps over to the cage and kills the bokiblin._

Link: You know, maybe I shouldn't even let you out. You'd probably just get captured again. Hey Midna, you know your way around this place, right?

Midna: _(pops out of Link's shadow) _If you want to find your way around this temple, you're better off asking a monkey, not me. Oh . . . but she can't speak to you because you're a human! How . . . unfortunate! Eee-hee! _(goes back into Link's shadow)_

Link: You are so negative Midna! You know that?! You're not doing anything to help my self-esteem! _(starts sobbing dramatically)_

Midna: Oh, shut up, dog boy! Just free that monkey and get going!

Link: Okie-dokie!

_Link breaks open the cage and the monkey dances around for a minute and them climbs up the random vines. She stops at the top and beckons Link to follow. Link grabs onto the vines and starts to climb._

***

_Thirty minutes later . . ._

Midna: OH MY GODDESSES LINK! CAN YOU GO ANY SLOWER?!

Link: _(three fourths of the way up the vines) _Actually, I can. Would you like to see?

Midna: NO! _(picks Link up with her hair and chucks him at the door)_

Link: Okay, little monkey, let's go!

Monkey: _(lying on the ground, asleep)_

Link: HEY UGLY, WAKE UP!

_The monkey jumps up and then glares at Link for calling her ugly._

Monkey: My name is Flower!

**What Link hears: **Ooh ooh ah!

Link: Um, no, I don't have any cheese . . . can you just show me the way now?

Midna: I think she's trying to tell you her name.

Link: You can speak monkey too?! Sweet! Okay, guess what I'm saying: Ooh ah ee ooh!

Midna: You just said 'I fatso chicken.'

Link: -gasp- How DARE you?! Why I oughtta- _(monkey pulls on the bottom of his tunic) _WHAT?!

_The monkey points to the ground where she has written her name._

Link:_ (reading) _Fl . . . flo . . . fol . . . Catherine? Your name is Catherine?! What a stupid name for a monkey!

Midna: Um, Link? I think that says Flower . . .

Link: What are you talking about?! Look, its right there! K-a-q-u-r-e-c! That spells Catherine! Are you stupid or something?!

Midna: Uh Link, I have to ask you something . . . can you read?

Link: Of _course_ I can read!

Midna: Okay, then how does the alphabet go? Can you at least tell me that?

Link: Sure! It goes like this: a-b-11-q-21-pie-truck-grapefriut-x . . .

Midna: _(mutters) _Great. I got stuck with the biggest idiot on the planet . . .

Link: Anyways, it would take me too long to say all 156 letters in the albaphet, so let's just get going. Hey Catherine, can I call you Kat? Ha ha! That's funny! I'll call you Kat, but you're a monkey! Bwahaha! Ah, good times . . . good times . . .

Midna: Okay, Link? Did you take your medicine this morning?

Link: Aw, medicine's for sissies! And I'm not a sissy coward!

Midna: I didn't say you were . . .

Link: Okay Kat, lead the way!

_The monkey leads Link into another room where a giant spider comes down from the ceiling and lands in front of Link._

Link: _(screaming like a little girl) _AHHHH! KILL IT! SOMEBODY KILL IT!

Midna: Why don't _you_ kill it?! You're the one with the sword!

Link: Oh yeah . . .

_He runs up to the spider and gets ready to stab it but they both stop when they hear a bell ring._

Spider: Oh yay, it's time for my lunch break! Oh well, I guess you'll have to go find some other giant monster to fight. _(starts crawling away)_

Link: Wait-what?!

Spider: I've been waiting here since four in the morning for you guys to come! It's time for my lunch break. Bye! _(scurries away) _

Link: Okay . . .

_Link follows Kat as she leads him to another door. He lights the torches and goes up the stairs and finds the dungeon map. He takes it and goes through the door. They come outside and Kat starts to run across the bridge. Just then, a monkey with a big butt comes out of another door and breaks the ropes holding the bridge up, making it collapse with Kat still on it._

Link –gasp- You killed Kat! You &*#%*!

Ook: But, her name is Flower . . .

Link: FIEND! YOU SHALL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS!

_Link starts running towards Ook but Midna grabs his collar with her hair before he goes over the edge of the cliff. Ook slaps his butt and leaves. Link goes over to the door and starts to cry but he stops when Kat climbs back up the bridge._

Link: Oh Kat, you're alive! (_picks her up and hugs her)_

Midna: Wow, I didn't know you cared that much about her . . .

Link: I don't. I just know that if she's dead, we'll never be able to find a way out of here.

_Midna slaps her palm to her forehead and they go back inside. Kat runs over to another part of the platform and helps Link jump across. They enter yet another door and Link kills a bombling and blows up a random rock. He enters the room after Midna yells at him that he's going to make the whole temple cave in and he picks up a pot. All of a sudden it cracks and a thing falls out._

Thing: Good gracious me! Thank you for saving me young man!

Link: OH MY GAWD! Are those . . . are those boobs?!

Thing: Yes, they are boobs, and-

Link: Good lord, what is it with creepy naked things?! Do I attract them or something?! Oh no- what if I have a creepy naked thing attracting magnet inside of me?! Noooo! When will the torment end?!

Thing: Um, anyways . . . my name's Ooccoo! I can help you warp out of here if you want to! Please take me with you!

Link: No!

Ooccoo: Oh happy day! _(jumps into Link's pocket)_

Link: OH GODDESSES, SHE'S IN MY CLOTHES! AH, GET IT OUT!

Midna: Link, calm down!

Link: IT'S MOVING!

Ooccoo: _(jumps out of Link's pocket)_ My, is it stuffy in there! You know what? I think I'll just fly along behind you and talk to you about my personal problems until you find a way out of here!

Link: NOOOO! _(grabs a shovel and knocks Ooccoo out)_

Midna: Link, where did you get the shovel?! Give it here!

_She holds out her hand and Link reluctantly tries to place the shovel in it, but it goes right through her. Link laughs and puts the shovel back into his enormous pocket._

Link: Midna, you're so mean! Ciela let me have a shovel!

Midna: Who's Ciela?

Link: Well one time when I was little I had this dream where I was a pirate on a pirate ship and it was really weird because I was wearing the same outfit I am now but anyways this girl Tetra was the captain but she was really Zelda and then she was being stupid and got captured so I had to go on this adventure where I met this fairy named Ciela who sort of reminded me of this other fairy sometimes but let's not get into that now so anyway I went on this adventure and then at the end everyone was all happy and then I woke up and I ran outside to tell everyone about my adventure but then they all said it was a dream but then I found a shovel inside my house and I realized that it must have been a present from Ciela and then I remembered the Rusl had let me use his shovel the day before but I still thought it was a present so I just kept it and the end.

Midna: _(eye twitches)_ You're really insane, you know that, right?

Link: Strawberry! Okay, let's go!

_They go through the temple and eventually Link has to save Kat's brother. He does this and then the second monkey helps him get across another part of the platform. Link enters a room with a lot of random monsters. He walks up a ramp and tries to jump across but a big plat eats him._

Plant: _(chews on Link and then spits him out)_ Ech! I hate Hylian!

Link: EEEWWW! Midna, did you see that?! I just got eaten!

Midna, Yes, but you got spit out. Now keep going!

_Link sticks out his tongue and receives a slap on the head. He figures the plant won't try to eat him again since it thinks he tastes bad, so he jumps over the platform again. The plant eats him and then spits him out again._

Link: Aw, what the hell?! I thought you said you didn't like Hylian! Why did you try to eat me again?!

Plant: Sorry, force of habit!

_Link glares at the plant and then feeds it a bomb. It dies._

Link: HA HA! TAKE THAT SUCKER!

Midna: Link, please stop talking to dead things . . .

Link: But, haven't I been talking to dead things since I met you? Aren't you dead?

Midna: No I'm not dead, you cucco!

Link: Oh . . .

Midna: What the hell is your problem?!

Link: HNGRAAR! _(runs into a wall and falls over)_

Midna: Whoa . . . okay, I'm just gonna leave now . . . _(flies through the door)_

Link: _(stands up)_ Midna? Midna?! Oh goddesses, she's gone! Noooo! Wait- I mean yay!

_Link blows up a rock and goes into a room with I giant plant. He is about to grab a key that is lying on the ground, but the plant eats it._

Link: Whoa, that's a big plant . . .

Midna: Just hurry up already!

Link: Hey, I thought you left!

Midna: Yeah, well, it was either your shadow or the monkey's. Now get going!

Link: Well fine then!

_He runs over and pokes the plant and it explodes. He takes the key and frees another monkey. He goes through some more rooms until he has enough monkeys to cross the broken bridge. He goes into the room at the other side and sees Ook standing on a pillar._

Ook: You're goin' down!

Link: I don't know what you just said, but bring it on anyways!

_Ook knocks down some plants from the ceiling that try to eat Link._

Link: Why does everything want to eat me?!

Midna: Because your scent is like a drug to me.

Link: What the-

Midna: Oops, sorry! Wrong script! Um . . . continue on!

Link: Alrighty then . . .

_Link kills the plants and then rolls into the pillar the Ook is standing on. He gets hit by his own boomerang and falls over with his butt in the air._

Link:_ (covering his eyes) _Aw, dude, put some pants on man! Geez, what is it with these naked people?! _(pokes the monkey's butt)_

Ook: AW, MY ASS! GOD DAMN IT! _(jumps back onto a pillar)_

_This process continues on for a few minutes until Ook had finally has had enough and runs into a poll. A bug falls off of him and dies. Ook stands up and then runs screaming like a little girl when he sees Link, leaving the boomerang behind. Link picks it up._

Boomerang: I am the Fairy of Winds who resides in this boomerang. You have freed me, so now you may use my power!

Link: Whoa, did you just talk?!

Boomerang: . . .

Link: Um, hello?

Boomerang: . . .

Link: Huh, must be defective.

_He throws it and starts walking, but it comes back, smacks him in the head, and knocks him out. Midna comes up and drags Link out of the room and out into the open, where he wakes up._

Link: Hey, how come you can grab me with your hair, but not with your hands?

Midna: I don't really know . . . my hair is the only thing that seems solid in the light . . .

Link: Weird . . .

_They go through so many more rooms that it would be too boring to write about. In fact, Link got so bored at one point that he actually fell asleep. Midna had to wake him up so he wouldn't get smothered by the monkeys jumping on him._

Link: _(wakes up and sees eight monkeys jumping on him)_ Oh my god! Get 'em off!

Midna: Link, calm down . . .

Link: THEY'RE TOUCHING ME INAPPROPRIATELY!

Midna: They just want you to get up!

Link: I'LL SUE! MIDNA, CALL A LAWYER!

Midna: Link, they got off you already!

Link: _(looks up to see the monkeys have formed a rope that he can swing from) _Oh. Yay, I get to swing! WOOHOO! _(tries to jump to the monkeys but misses and fall into the bottomless pit)_

Midna: Dammit, not again!

Link: _(magically appears behind her) _Hello!

Midna: Ah! How the hell do you keep doing that?!

Link: Um . . . I dunno. Anyways, time to swing again!

_He jumps and actually times it right and makes it safely to the other side. He bows as the monkeys clap for him and then he sees some pots. He breaks open one and a blue fairy comes out._

Fairy: HEY, you LOOK sort of familiar! HEY, LISTEN! Do you hear something behind that door? Wow, LOOK how big that door is! HEY, can I tell you something?! LISTEN!

Link: OH MY GAWD! IT'S _YOU!_

Fairy: HEY, LOOK! HEY, LISTEN! HEY! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY!

Link: AHHHH! _(runs with such force that he crashes through the door without using the key, which is a good thing because he forgot to get it anyway)_

Fairy: Whoa, that was weird. _(follows Link through the door)_

_Link comes out in a large round chamber. Two giant plant heads come out of the water. Link uses his boomerang to feed bombs to the plant, not noticing the blue fairy hovering a few feet behind him. The plant goes back underwater._

Link: Well, that was lame.

_Just then, the monster comes back out of the water and roars at Link._

Link: Whoa, step back! You need a tic tac! Not a tick, not a tac, but the whole damn pack!

Midna: Um, do you even know what a tic tac is?

Link: Not a clue.

Midna: I thought so.

Fairy: HEY, I know what a tic tac is! Whoa, LOOK at the size of that thing! HEY, WATCH OUT!

Link: AHHH! She's back!

Midna: Who the freak _is_ she?!

Link: Remember how I told you I had that dream when I was little? Well, I had another dream sort of like that, but not really. I don't remember it that well because it was overshadowed by HER!_ (points at the fairy)_

Fairy: _(looking innocent) _Who, me?

Link: YES YOU!

Midna: What is her name?!

Link: _(glares at the fairy)_ Navi.

Navi: HEY, LISTEN to you! You _do_ remember my name! Yay!

Monster: Um, hello? Is anyone going to fight me or can I go back to my nap?

Link: _(thinks for a minute and smiles evilly)_ Hey, Navi, why don't you go talk to that nice monster over there?

Navi: _(looks at monster)_ He doesn't seem very nice . . .

Link: Sure he is! Just go have a little chat with him!

Navi: Okay! _(flies over to the monster) _HEY, LISTEN! LOOK at that big tree behind you! HEY, I saw a tree once! LISTEN! HEY! LOOK! HEY! HEY! HEY!

Monster: AHHH! MY EARS! _(explodes)_

Link: Dammit! It didn't eat her! Frig! _(a fused shadow forms in his hands) _What the hell is this?! _(throws it)_

Midna: LINK! _(catches the fused shadow and puts it away) _That was called a fused shadow, by the way. _That's _what I've been looking for!

Link: _(sneaking up on Navi with a bottle in his hands) _Yeah, yeah, whatever. _(catches Navi in the bottle) _YES! VICTORY IS MINE!

Midna: Um, are you sure you want to carry her around with you?

Link: As long as she's in the bottle, it's okay.

Midna: But what if you accidentally let her out?

Link: Oh my god, will you SHUT UP! It will be fine!

Midna: _(glares at him) _Fine, suit yourself! Just grab the heart container that fell out of that thing and let's go! _(floats over and makes a warp portal)_

Link: _(grabs the heart container and strange music plays) _The hell was that?!

Midna: I have no idea . . .

_Link walks over to Midna and she warps them out of the temple. They appear at Faron Spring . . ._


	7. Stop Using All the Exclamation Points!

**A/N: **

**Link: Oh my goddesses . . . The Author actually updated!**

**Author: Oh, shut up Link! Hey, sorry for the wait everyone! I've been working on a new oneshot and the sequel to one of my other stories. **

**Minda: Which she hasn't been working on as much as she should since she's been playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl . . .**

**Author: Hey, that's a good game!**

**Midna: If it's so good, then how come I'm not in it?!**

**Author: I don't know.**

**Midna: Well, I should have been in it! I mean, they had TP Link, Ganondorf, _and_ Zelda . . .**

**Link: Yay for me being in there!**

**Midna: Oh, shut up, dog boy! You got beat by Jigglypuff!**

**Link: Hey, that cute little ball of fluff is a menace to society! **

**Author: Okay . . . anyways, Link, do the diclaimer.**

**Link: Midna3452 doesn't own anything. And neither does Jigglypuff!**

**Author: Whatever. And now, on with the story!**

* * *

**Stop Using All the Exclamation Points! **

_Link appears at Faron Spring._

Link: Well, I found the sacred power thingy . . . what next?

Midna: _(pops out of Link's shadow)_ STORY TIME! Okay . . . okay, one time I saw this squirrel and it was eating this nut and I was all like 'Hi little squirrel!' and the squirrel was all like 'Squeak!' 'cause I couldn't understand what he was saying and then he ran away and the end. STORY TIME COMPLETE! _(goes back into Link's shadow)_

Link: What the freak is your problem?!

Faron: Didn't Ordona explain to you that after a while the light will start to get to that little thing in your shadow?

Link: Yeah, but I thought she went back to normal!

Faron: Nope. She'll keep acting like that until you go into the twilight. So hurry and go to the land in the west!

Link: Ugh, fine.

_Link starts walking until he comes to Coro's hut. Coro sees him and runs inside his house and locks the door. Link continues on until he gets to Hyrule Field. He kills some random bokiblins and runs towards the twilight. He stops when he hears a voice._

Voice: HEEEEEEY!

Link: What the hell do you want?! I don't have all day you know and I- oh my god! What are you wearing?!

_A man with a weird face and very tight clothes stops in front of Link._

Man: Well hey there, hot stuff! _(winks at Link suggestively) _I'm the Postman and I'm here to deliver your mail!

Link: Um . . .

Postman: Oh, damn it! I left your letter at my house! Hey, you wanna come over and I'll give it to you there?

Link: Yeah, I don't think so . . .

Postman: _(muttering to himself) _Damn it! I'd better change tactics . . . _(says in a normal voice) _You're sexy!

Link: Thank you for acknowledging my sexiness, but I don't swing that way. I gotta go. AHHHHH! _(runs away screaming) _

Postman: Aw man! Not again! Oh well, I guess I'll go see if that guy with the afro's still there . . . _(walks away)_

_Link runs until he comes to the Twilight Gate. Midna comes out of his shadow._

Midna: Omg, guess what?

Link: Um, what?

Midna: Idk! Lol!

Link: What are you saying?! I can't understand that foreign language you are speaking!

Midna: Omg, it's like IM talk, duh! Man, u r stupid!

Link: Are you going to let me into the Twilight or not?!

Midna: Oh, you_ want_ to go in? Okay!

Link: Wait- I never said I wanted to!

Midna: TOO LATE! MUHAHAHA! _(grabs Link and pulls him into the Twilight)_

_Link gets up and is immediately transformed back into a wolf. _

Midna: _(sits on Link's back)_ Ah, isn't the black cloud of Twilight looking beautiful today?

Link: No, it most certainly is not! I miss my hunkalicious body! Wah!

Midna: Oh, put a sock in it, dog boy!

Link: For your information I don't have a sock with me at the moment!

Midna: Whatever. Just get going!

Link: -sigh- Here we go again . . . hey, what is that sword doing there conveniently placed on the road right in front of me? _(goes over and sniffs it) _Yuck, it smells like the little brats!

Midna: Hey, now you can follow the path of that scent to look for those kids! Eee hee! I think you're finally beginning to get used to your wolfy senses!

Link: Noooo! I don't want to be a wolf anymore! I want to go home! Wah!

Midna: Oh, just shut up and get going!

Link: Well fine, miss bossy pants!

_Midna rolls her eyes and Link starts to follow the scent trail. He stops and growls when a portal opens up in midair and three Twilight Messengers fall out._

Twilight Messenger #1: Hey dog, have you seen a guy named Fred around here? He's about as tall as me and he wears black nail polish but he thinks that no one knows about it and he'll act all offended if you mention it.

Link: _(crouches down and starts whimpering) _

TM#1: So, have you seen him?

Link: N-no . . .

TM#1: Dang it! Oh well. Let's go guys! He has to be around here somewhere.

_The Twilight Messengers are sucked back into the sky and the portal turns blue._

Midna: Okay, that was weird . . . hey, the bridge is gone!

Link: What the freak? Who the hell would want to steal a bridge?! Dumbasses . . .

Midna: Stop muttering to yourself and let's go find it!

Link: How?! You think they're just going to leave a bridge lying around somewhere?! Besides, how are we supposed to get anywhere? We can't leave the Twilight!

Midna: Actually, we can! Those things created a warp portal which I can use to get us out of here!

Link: You mean I could have left this stupid place ages ago and you didn't tell me?!

Midna: Yeah, pretty much.

Link: God damn it, woman! I hate you!

Midna: Eee hee! I know. Now, where do you want to go? Why don't you check your map?

Link: What map?

Midna: The map you've had with you throughout this whole adventure!

Link: I have a map?! No freakin' way!

Midna: How the hell have you been finding your way around if you didn't even know you had a damn map?!

Link: Um . . . with my super wolfy senses! They're awesome!

Midna: I thought you just said you didn't _want_ to have wolf senses!

Link: I changed my mind!

Midna: That's great. Now, where should we go?

Link: Hey, I should be a super hero!

Midna: What the hell are you talking about?!

Link: Yeah, I could be the Wolfinator! No wait- I like Wolf Boy better!

Midna: You know you sound completely insane, right?

Link: Yeah, I could have my own theme song! It could go like this: dun na na na na na na na dun na na na na na na na Wolf Boy! Able to turn into a wolf and . . . um . . . sniff things! Yeah, with my wolfy powers, I could sniff out any piece of food that's miles away!

Midna: Um . . . how about you use those wolfy senses to go sniff out the missing piece of that bridge over there?

Link: Okay! Wolfy senses activate! Midna, my sidekick, warp me to North Faron Woods!

Midna: _Sidekick_?! I am not your sidekick!

Link: How about my trusty steed then?

Midna: I AM NOT A HORSE!

Link: Oh right, I have Epona already . . . well than what are you?

Midna: I am the person who's going to kick your wolfy ass if you don't get moving soon!

Link: Alrighty then, let's go!

_Midna warps him to North Faron Woods. Link starts to run around in circles because he's out of the Twilight but he stops when Midna slaps him. He activates his wolfy senses and begins to look for the bridge._

Link: _(runs headfirst into the bridge) _Hey Midna, I think I found it!

Midna: Ugh, finally! _(floats over to the bridge) _Yes, I think this will fit perfectly! Okay dog boy, let's go!

Link: Hey, Dog Boy! That's what my name's going to be! _(sees Midna trying to lift the bridge)_ Um, are you okay?

Midna: Yeah, I think I got it! _(tries to pick up one end of the bridge but flies away screaming when she looses her grip and it falls back and almost crushes her)_

Link: Why don't you just use your magic?

Midna: Oh yeah . . .

_Midna uses her magic to warp to warp them and the bridge back to Kakariko Gorge._

Link: Hey, don't you find it sort of strange that the bridge fits perfectly back into place? I mean, shouldn't it have like missing pieces where it was torn out?

Midna: Um, no! Stop questioning everything and get moving so we can get the next fused shadow!

Link: Wait- what's a fused shadow?

Midna: It's that thing you got when you defeated that giant plant thingy back in the Forest Temple!

Link: Forest Temple?

Midna: Oh my god, we were just there! Please tell me you don't have short term memory loss as well as being an idiot!

Link: No, I don't have . . . um, who are you again?

Midna: Ugh! Just move! _(kicks Link in the sides)_

_Link starts to run until he comes to a gate. He stops when he sees two monsters patrolling the other side._

Midna: Hmm . . . what are they doing there?

Link: Why are you asking me?! How should I know?!

Midna: I _wasn't_ asking you! I was talking to myself!

Link: Now you talk to yourself? Oh good lord, now the thing on my back is going insane!

Midna: I am not insane!

Link: Will you stop using exclamation points when you talk?! We only have a certain amount to use!

Midna: What the hell are you talking about?! How can we have a certain amount of exclamation points to use?! And for the last time, give me the effin' script! _(takes the script that appeared out of nowhere (again) and throws it (again))_

Link: Please calm down!

Midna: Look, you're using them too!

Link: Fine, I won't use ant more exclamation points. You happy?

Midna: Yes, now I'm happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link: No, see what you did?:) Now we have no more exclamation points:)

Midna: What the hell is ":)"?

Link: It's what we now have to use instead of exclamation points:)

Midna: But why one of those annoying smilies?

Link: Because it's written right here in the script, see? It says: _In the event that one of the people in this script uses up all of the exclamation points, a substitute in the form of a smilie will have to take the exclamation points' place._

Midna: Uh, alrighty then . . . hey, how did you get the script back?:)

Link: I made some copies while you were trying to lift up the bridge.

Midna: You made them that fast?:)

Link: Yupadoodle. So, let's keep going, shall we?

Midna: Um, sure, but why did you just say "yupadoodle"?

Link: Psh, I dunno:) I just felt like messin' with ya:) But seriously, let's go.

Midna: Um . . . are you _sure_ you don't take any medicine?

Link: Link, he come to town:) Come to save the princes Zelda:) Ganon took her away, now the children don't play, but they will when Link saves the day:) Hallelujah:)

Midna: What the hell was that?:)

Link: Banana:) Okay, let's head out:)

_Midna is about to question Link's sanity again when he suddenly takes off and digs under the gate. He comes out on the other side and kills the monsters. He walks through a passage and comes out in a village. All of a sudden, another portal randomly opens up in the sky . . ._

_

* * *

_

**A/N: Ha, i love that song . . . anyways, please review!**

**Midna: Or the Author will never update this story again!**

**Author: Midna! We never threaten our readers with threats of not updating! Go sit in the corner! I think you need a time out!**

**Midna: BUT I DON'T WANNA GO!**

**Author: Go! Or Link will start singing "Fergalicious" again!**

**Midna: NOOOO! My ears are still bleeding from the last time! _(screams and flies into the corner)_**

**Author: Don't listen to Midna. I'll try to update as soon as I can! Although, pushing that little button right there might help . . .**


	8. Crap! More Bugs!

**A/N: Oh my god, I am _sooooo_ sorry to keep you guys waiting for this chapter! (I realized i haven't updated it for at least a month!)**

**Midna: The author got a new video game . . .**

**Author: Hush, Midna! Yes, I got a new game, but that's not the _only_ reason I haven't updated! Just to make it up to you guys, I made this chapter extra long! (14 pages on word!) Now, onto the disclaimer-**

**Link: _(comes skipping into the room) _La la la la rainbows, la la la la la buttercups!**

**Midna: Shut the hell up, dog boy! _(picks up a dvd and throws it at his head)_**

**Author: No Midna, not that dvd! It's-**

**Link: TWILIGHT?! AIEEEEEEE! _(runs screaming out of the house)_**

**Author: . . . you did that on purpose, didn't you?**

**Midna: Maybe . . .**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything mentioned in this chapter.**

**Author: Read and enjoy!**

**Crap! More bugs!**

_Link starts growling as three Twilit Messengers fall from the sky._

Twilit Messenger #1: _(falls and lands on his head) _Ow! Damn it! Okay, do any of you guys see Fred around here?

Twilit Messenger #2: Nope.

Twilit Messenger #3: Nuh-uh.

TM#1: Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere. Keep looking! _(sees Link growling at him)_ Hey, you're that dog from earlier! Have you seen Fred since we left?

Link: No, I-

Midna: He killed him.

TM#1: WHAT?!

Link: MIDNA!

Midna: _(giggles)_

TM#1: What the hell did you do that for?! What did he ever do to you?!

Link: He was gonna _kill _me!

TM#1: Yeah, but _did_ he actually kill you?!

Link: Yeah, that's why I'm standing here talking to you. Dumbass . . .

TM#2: Oh my god, it's a ghost! We gotta run!

TM#3: I'm calln' TAPS! _(takes out his cell phone)_

Midna: Hey, cell phones haven't even been invented yet!

TM#3: _(cell phone disappears in a puff of smoke)_ AH! Now what are we gonna do?!

TM#2: I don't know about you guys, but I'm gettin' the hell outta here! _(gets sucked back into the portal)_

TM#3: Yo, wait up! _(gets sucked back into the portal)_

TM#1: You haven't seen the last of me! I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too! _(gets sucked back into the portal)_

Midna: What the hell is_ wrong_ with these guys?!

Link: They must be blind . . .

Midna: Why do you say that?

Link: 'Cause they called you pretty. _(screams and puts his paws over his head when Midna snarls at him) _AH! Jk! Jk! Jk!

Midna: _(stops as she is about to smack Link)_ How did you learn IM talk so fast?!

Link: Uh, Idk.

_Link screams as Midna wrenches his paws away from his head and pulls on his ears. They stop when they see a light coming from the spring._

Link: _(walks over to the spring)_ Oh little light spirit . . . come out, come out, wherever you are . . .

Spirit: _(appears)_ Stop talking like that! You sound like some sort of stalker!

Link: _I'm_ not the stalker! Midna is!

Midna: No I'm not! . . . Well, not anymore . . .

Link: . . . GET THE HELL OFF MY BACK! _(starts spinning around in circles)_

Midna: AUGH! STOP IT!

Link: Whee! You spin my head right 'round, right 'round, when you go down, when you go down, down!

Spirit: Both of you KNOCK IT OFF! _(Link stops spinning and Midna stops screaming at him) _Okay, now that that's all settled, here's the Vessel of Light. Collect all the bugs and meet me back here at 0500 hours!

Link: But-

Spirit: MARCH, RECRUIT!

Link: YES, SIR!

_Link marches over to a hut as Midna rolls her eyes at him. He stops when he comes to a tree._

Midna: _(floats onto a tree branch)_ Okay, Link, I'll help you get onto the roof.

Link: Are you sure it's safe? I mean, it's not going to cave in on me or anything, right?

Midna: _(crosses her fingers behind her back)_ Oh yeah, it's _perfectly_ safe.

Link: All right then . . .

_Midna grabs him with her hair and pulls him onto the roof. She laughs as he falls through a hole covered up with hay and floats down after him._

Link: Ow . . . my aching wolfy rib cage . . .

Midna: Oh, get up, you lazy ball of fluff! That fall was nothing!

Link: Easy for you to say. You just floated down after me!

Midna: GET THE HELL UP ALREADY! I DON'T FEEL LIKE FLOATING ANYMORE!

Link: If you want to sit down so bad, why don't you just sit on the floor?!

Midna: Eeew! That's disgusting! The floor's dirty!

Link: Midna, are you afraid of dirt?!

Midna: How could I be? I hang out with you.

Link: _(gasps)_ Oh no you di-n't!

Midna: Oh yes I di-id!

Link: _(stands up and tries to snap his fingers- er, paws)_ Giiiiirl, you do not wanna mess with me!

Midna: Shut the hell up! Just turn on your sense view and look over there! _(points to a random direction and sits on Link when he turns his head)_

_Link growls at her and turns on his sense view. He sees Talo, Malo, Colin, and Beth sitting next to a guy that looks like a girl. He turns towards the window and sees a fat guy wearing a welding mask._

Link: Crap, it's the little brats . . .

Midna: Shut up and listen!

_Link sticks his tongue out at her and turns back to the group as the guy in the welding mask begins to speak._

Man In The Welding Mask: Hello, and welcome to Learning _French: Lesson one_. Repeat after me: _Bonjour. Je m'appelle Alice._ Now you try!

Link: Uh . . .

Midna: Oops, sorry! Wrong disk! _(takes a random record player out of her invisible storage space, switches out the disk, and puts it back) _There, that should be the right one!

Link: Uh, okay . . .

MITWM: I don't see any of those shadow monsters near by . . .

Man Who Looks Like A Girl: _(says in a high, girly voice)_ Don't worry kids, I'm sure we're safe in here!

Link: WHAT THE FREAK?! WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE A GIRL?!

Midna: Just shut up and listen!

Link: Stop telling me to shut up!

Midna: Am I gonna have to sew your mouth shut?

Link: You wouldn't dare!

Midna: _(pulls out a needle and thread and smiles evilly)_ Oh wouldn't I?

Link: _(stares wide-eyed at the needle and crouches down and listens)_

MITWM: That's what you said about that lady's shop, and look what happened to her! She got eated!

Malo: _(looks at the man with one eyebrow raised)_ _Eated_?

MWLLAG: Barnes has some speaking issues . . .

MITWM (aka Barnes): I don't gots no speakin' issues!

Malo: Right . . .

Barnes: You shuts up! Renado, tells him to shuts up!

MWLLAG (aka Renado): You know what Barnes? Why don't _you_ shut up?

Barnes: I don't gots to shuts up! You gots to shuts up!

Renado: Don't you tell me to shut up! I'll beat yo ass!

Random Girl Sitting Next To Renado: _(says in a deep voice)_ Father, maybe you should just calm down . . .

Renado: Shut the hell up, Luda! Go play with your dolls or something!

RGSNTR (aka Luda): Father, I still don't see why you insist on dressing me up like a girl when you know perfectly well I'm a boy . . .

Talo: Holy crap, you're a guy?!

Luda: Uh, yeah . . .

Talo: Ew, and I was gonna ask you out! Aw man! _(starts gagging)_

Luda: Okay, anyways . . . Barnes, if you're so freaked out, why don't just go hide in the cellar. You need to light all the torches in the room to open the door, though.

Barnes: That a stupid ways to lock a cellar! Oh wells, I tries it anyways . . . _(takes a torch but falls down as he is running towards the second one)_

Luda: However, I remember seeing some of those creepy bug things down there last time I checked. That's why we locked it in the first place.

Barnes: WHAT?! But you just . . . and I almost . . . ugh, I gives up! _(goes over to a corner to sulk)_

Beth: _(puts her head in her hands and starts sobbing)_ WAH!

Colin: Beth, its okay! Link's coming to save us!

Beth: Shut up, Colin! That stupid fat head wouldn't risk his life for us unless he was paid a million bucks, and you know it!

Colin: That's not true!

Link: _(turns to Midna)_ So about our little deal . . .

Midna: Don't even try, dog boy.

Link: Aw . . .

Colin: He loves us all and if we have faith in him, he'll come and save us!

Link: Ugh, just kill me already . . .

Midna: _(pulls out a random ax)_ Okay!

Link: AH! NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!

Midna: _(puts the ax away)_ Aw . . . _(hears a sound like a record being scratched)_ Oh, I think they're all done! Aw, they don't even know you're here! I bet you'll be forced to toil in obscurity forever and no one will ever know about how you tried to save them from complete annihilation!

Link: _(lip starts quivering)_ W-what . . .?

Midna: Oh, stop being such a baby! Just get a move on and let's find those bugs!

Link: -sniff- Okay . . .

Midna: _(sighs and pulls out a dog treat)_ Oh Link, look what I got!

Link: _(sees the treat)_ OOH, I WANT IT!

Midna: _(puts the treat away) _You can have it after you find all of the bugs. Now go!

_Link takes off as fast as he can and lights all the torches in ten seconds. He jumps down into the cellar and quickly kills the three Twilit Parasites that he finds. Midna helps him come back out and they emerge into a graveyard._

Link: Midna, I don't like it in here . . .

Midna: Calm down, there's nothing to be afraid of.

_Suddenly the ground right in front of them starts shifting and a zombie comes out._

Link: HOLY CRAP!

Zombie: RAAAAR!

Midna: I told you, there's nothing to be afraid of!

Link: There's an effin' _zombie_ standing right in front of us and you're telling me there's nothing to be afraid of?!

Midna: Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you. Watch. _(turns to the zombie)_ Hi, sorry to bother you, but we were looking for a little bug that lights up if you go near it. Have you by any chance seen it around here somewhere?

Zombie: Uhhh . . . _(points to a gravestone and a spark appears)_

Midna: Thanks!

Zombie: _(nods and then goes back underground)_

Midna: See, that wasn't so scary, was it? _(sees Link staring at her like she's crazy) _What?!

Link: Oh, nothing, it's just that the person who's supposed to be guiding me around is TALKING TO A DEAD GUY!

Midna: Just be quiet and get the bug! I found it for you, didn't I?!

Link: Yeah, but-

Midna: HURRY THE HELL UP ALREADY!

Link: Alright, geez, stop yellin' in my freakin' ear! Damn!

_Link finds the bug and eats it and then comes back out of the graveyard. He walks across some very unstable roofs until he eventually comes to a shack. He goes inside and uses a torch to light the stove so the bug that's hiding in it will come out. The bug flies out but then immediately sends the whole shack up into flames._

Midna: Whoa! Hey, as romantic as this is, I'm not gonna stay in here and get killed! _(flies out the little door)_

Link: ROMANTIC?! WHAT?! _(bug flies over and lights his tail on fire, making him howl) _AWOOO!

_Link runs out the door and Midna grabs his tail with her hair, making the fire go out. The two of them sit a safe distance away and watch as the shack turns to ashes._

Midna: _(lies down on Link's back)_ Ah, isn't this so romantic? I love a nice, warm fire on cold days like this . . .

Link: _(stares at Midna, shocked)_ Midna, that could be somebody's house!

Midna: Since when do you care about other people?!

Link: You have a point there . . .

_Link follows a trail that leads to a lookout shack. He stops when he gets to it and looks out over the edge._

Link: Wow, we're really high up . . .

Midna: _(floats up off of Link's back) _You don't like heights? You wanna go back down?

Link: Yeah, kind of . . .

Midna: Well, down you go! _(pushes Link over the edge)_

Link: AHHHHHH-_takes a breath_-HHHHHHHH! _(hits the ground)_ Ouchie . . .

Midna: _(floats down to him)_ Ha ha, that was classic! You should've seen the look on your face!

Link: YOU &*#%*! YOU COULD HAVE EFFIN' KILLED ME! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!

Midna: Oh, calm down! It's a known fact that if you drop from that tower, you hardly ever lose any energy! I bet you're not even hurt!

Link: _(stands up and realizes that he is perfectly fine)_ Oh, you're right . . . well, it was still mean!

Midna: Just forget about it already and go find the rest of those bugs! You only have three more to get!

Link: Wait, I thought there were four . . .

Midna: Didn't you get the one inside the lookout shack already?!

Link: No, I was pushed off the edge before I could dig my way in!

Midna: Well isn't that just great?! Now we have to go all the way back up to that freakin' tower! I mean really, you couldn't have told me you still needed to get the bug before you fell off the edge?!

Link: It was kind of sudden! And I didn't fall, you pushed me!

Midna: I don't recall that incident.

Link: But you just- okay, you know what? I don't fell like arguing with you right now. I'm going back to get the bug. And don't you dare push me off again!

_Midna sticks her tongue out at him and sits on his back. He retraces his steps and kills the bug that's hiding inside the shack. Midna tries to push him off again, but he jumps before she can touch him. He laughs at her as he falls and then hits the ground while Midna mutters about what in idiot he is. They walk down the street and find a trail leading up to Death Mountain. After some encouraging and more bribing with a dog treat, Midna finally convinces Link to go up the trail. They run along the trail until they come to a wall covered with mesh wire and a broken ladder._

Midna: Oh, this wall looks impassable . . . but, I can help you get to the top if you want.

Link: Aha! I just caught you in a fibby-fib!

Midna: Huh?

Link: You just contradicted yourself. You said that the wall was impassable, but then you said you could help me get to the top, therefore cancelling out your first statement and making the wall passable!

Midna: Wha- how did you get so smart all of a sudden?!

Link: _(sniffing a piece of grass)_ Hey, this grass smells like lemon! _(sees Midna staring at him)_ Oh, sorry, what were you saying?

Midna: _(sighs exasperatedly)_ Never mind, Link . . .

_Link jumps onto a rock and Midna uses her hand hair to pull him up to the top of the wall. She sits back down on Link and he turns on his sense view and sees a large, orange thing._

Link: Whoa, what the freak is that?!

Large Orange Thing: -sigh- I wish I didn't have to stand guard out here . . . I mean, why do the Elders think we need to keep watch anyway? It's not like any human is going to try and come up here while this fight is still going on between our peoples . . .

Link: Dude . . . that thing is _ugly_!

Midna: Link, be quiet and listen! That Goron is saying some important information!

Link: I'm not stayin' here with this thing! I'm leaving!

Midna: But you- oh! _(grabs onto Link's fur as she is flung into the air by Link's sudden burst of speed as he runs away from the Goron)_

_Link runs along the path until he gets to an area full of vents randomly blowing steam everywhere. He sees a Twilit Parasite and kills it, and then he notices a stone with strange symbols on it. As he gets closer, he hears a strange melody coming from the stone._

Link: I don't know why, but I feel like howling this tune that's mysteriously playing. I think I'll try it now. _(tries to howl the tune but messes up)_ . . . I think I'll try it now. _(tries to howl the tune again but messes up again)_ God damn it!

_Link tries to howl the tune again and, twenty tries later, he is transported to a world where the only thing that he can touch is the floating platform he's standing on. He looks to his right and sees the White Wolf sitting on another floating platform._

Link: Hey, 'sup dude!

White Wolf: Oh crap, it's you! Man, I was hoping you would have died by now . . .

Link: Hey, let's howl a tune together! _(starts howling the song and the Wolf joins in)_

White Wolf: Let teachings of old pass to you. Take sword in hand and find me . . . _(jumps off the platform)_

Link: Noooooo! Why'd you have to do it?! There was so mush to live for! _(starts sobbing)_

White Wolf: _(voice comes out of nowhere)_ Stop crying, you idiot! I'm not dead! There's a ledge three feet below where I just was!

Link: _(looks down and sees the Wolf sitting on a ledge three feet below where he just was)_ Oh. Well, will you look at that! You're alive!

_The White Wolf rolls his eyes and Link is transported back to the Death Mountain path. Midna lands on his back when he stands up._

Link: Oof! Softer landings, Midna!

Midna: Shut up dog boy, and hurry up already!

Link: Don't you want to know where I was?

Midna: No, I really don't. Can we just go find the last bug now?

Link: Ugh, fine . . .

_They continue up the trail until they come to a big, open space that looks like a giant crater. Link bounds down the rock stairs but stops when a portal opens up in the sky and three Twili Messengers fall out._

TM#1: Alright, ghost dog, it's time for you to get busted!

TM#2+3: _(starts singing)_ Dun na na na na na, GHOSTBUSTERS! Du na na na na na! GHOSTBUSTERS!

Midna: YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU DUMBASSES ALWAYS COMING OUT OF NOWHERE JUST TO SLOW US DOWN! NOW, YOU'D BETTER LEAVE BEFORE I COUNT TO THREE, OR _YOU'RE_ GONNA BE THE GHOSTS!

TM#1: _(cowers next to the other Messengers)_ D-do you think she's serious?

Midna: ONE . . .

TM#2: Holy crap! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! _(gets sucked back into the portal)_

Midna: TWO . . .

TM#3: Hey, wait for me! _(gets sucked back into the portal)_

Midna: THREE! _(shoots an energy blast at the remaining Messenger)_

TM#1: HOLY SH- _(gets fried by Midna's energy blast)_

Midna: _(floating slightly above Link, snarling and nearly trembling with rage)_ There, that should be the end of those guys!

Link: Um, M-Midna . . .?

Midna: _(sits back down on Link's back)_ Yes Link? Is there a problem?

Link: _(gulps)_ N-no, not at all . . . let's just go get that last bug, alright?

Midna: Sounds like a plan. You know, I feel much better now . . . it's good to let out all that pent-up stress once in a while.

Link: Uh, Midna, I was just wondering . . . did you ever think about maybe going to see someone about your anger management issues?

Midna: _(forms another energy ball in her hands)_ What was that, dog boy?

Link: Oh, uh, nothing! Nothing at all! Heh heh . . .

Midna: _(puts the ball away)_ That's what I thought.

_Link quickly finds another bug and then continues up the mountain with Midna's help. He stops when he comes to another Goron standing guard._

Goron: I wonder why they put me all the way back here . . . It's not like any human is going to ever make this far . . . oh no, what if they put me back here because they think I'm useless?!

Link: No, they put you back here because you're so damn ugly! Oh, _burn_!

Midna: Link!

Link: You just got fried like an enchilada on the sidewalk in the middle of summer!

Midna: Okay, you just ruined it . . .

Goron: _(starts sniffling)_ That's so mean! Mommy, he hurt my feelings! _(goes running off crying)_

Link: What-

Midna: _(yelling after the Goron)_ HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE EXISTS, YOU RETARD! YOU'RE GONNA MESS UP THE WHOLE THING!

Link: _What_ whole thing?!

Midna: Uh . . .

The Author: _(voice comes out of nowhere)_ Midna, you'd better watch yourself . . .

Midna: _(looks up at the sky)_ I know, I'm sorry!

The Author: Just be careful, or we're gonna have to replace you with Navi!

Link: Who's 'we'?! And why is there a random voice coming out of nowhere?! And why do I feel like something's going on?! And why do I suddenly have this strange craving for tacos?!

Midna: _(floats up to the top of the mountain) _Hey look, another bug!

_She fries the bug with one of her energy blasts and Link immediately passes out and is transported back to the spring. He wakes up to find that he is back in his human form, and the village is now full of light._

Spirit: _(appears)_ Hey, you made it back okay!

Link: What's that supposed to mean?!

Spirit: Well, I mean, I thought you weren't gonna make it, seeing as how you're an idiot and all . . .

Link: Well I never! _(turns around)_

_The spirit shrugs and disappears, leaving him with no clue of what he's supposed to do next. Suddenly, the door to the hut opens and everyone who Link saw before steps out._

Renado: Hello, my name's Renado and this is my daughter, Luda!

Luda: Actually, I'm a boy . . .

Renado: Shut up! Anyways, you are Link, correct? These kids have been telling me all about you and how they knew you were coming to save them!

Beth: Yeah, everyone knew you were coming. Except Colin. He called you a big fat head and said you wouldn't come unless you were paid a million bucks!

Colin: But I never . . . you said . . . ugh!

Link: _(gasps)_ Colin, you called me a fat head?! That's not very nice! _(pushes Colin over onto his butt)_

Colin: Ow! What the heck Link?! You know me butt is very fragile!

Link: Uh, TMI!

Renado: Hey Link, do you mind taking the little brats- er, _children_ home? I, uh, have some important business to attend to . . .

Malo: He just wants us to go away because he hates us and thinks we're annoying.

Link: I feel your pain. But, I'm not gonna take 'em home. At least not right now. Right now, I'm gonna go get me a nice plate of fried cucco! _(sees a random cucco walk by out of nowhere)_ Midna, do your stuff!

Midna: . . .

Link: Uh, hello?

Midna . . .

Link: No, she's gone! How am I gonna get my fried cucco now?! WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL?! _(starts sobbing and pounding on the ground)_

Renado: Whoa . . . okay kids, let's just go inside now and hope he calms down so he can take you home . . .

Talo: Are we gonna get some food too?

Renado: No!

_The kids start whining as they follow Renado into the house. Link keeps pounding his fists on the ground until he somehow manages to hit himself in the head and knock himself out. He lays there until sunset, and then he finally wakes up and realizes what he has to do to get Midna back . . ._

_

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_

**A/N: Please review! Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, we got an unlimited supply of exclamation points, so no more smilies! Yay!**

**Link: Yay:) _(sees Midna holding up Twilight)_ AH! _(hides under a desk)_**


	9. Fat Guys in Shorts

**A/N: Yay, a new chappie!**

**Midna: Finally . . .**

**Author: Hey, at least it wasn't as long a wait as last time! Anyways, I think this chapter is one of the wierdest so far, in my opinion . . .**

**Midna: And possibly slightly disturbing . . .**

**Author: WILL YOU SHUT UP?! **

**Dislclaimer: I don't own Zelda. At all. **

**Fat Guys in Shorts**

_Link walks over to stand directly next to Kakariko Spring._

Link: Hmm, I guess this will have to do . . .

_All of a sudden he picks up his foot and slams it down on his shadow as hard as he can. Midna screams and pops up, holding her eye._

Midna: OW! LINK, WHAT THE HELL?! THAT WAS MY EFFIN' EYE!

Link: Midna, get me a fried cucco!

Midna: Excuse me?!

Link: You heard me! Get me a fried cucco, woman!

Midna: I am not your wife!

Link: I never said you were!

Midna: Then stop treating me like one!

Link: Just get me a fried cucco!

Midna: Okay, I'll make you a deal: if you find a way to get into those Goron Mines, I'll get you a fried cucco.

Link: It's a deal! And you'd better not forget!

_Midna sticks her tongue out at him and goes back into his shadow. He walks along the streets of Kakariko Village until he eventually comes to Death Mountain Pass. He climbs up some fish netting but is immediately spotted by a Goron._

Goron: Oh, you a human! The elder said no humans may pass!

Link: Yeah, well frankly, I don't give a damn about what your elder says!

Goron: Oh, human about to be squished like a little piece of cheese! Muhahahaha! _(starts rolling towards Link)_

Link: HOLY CRAP! _(gets knocked off the platform by the force of the Goron)_

_Link stands up and rubs his back where he fell on it. He glares at the Goron who is doing some weird dance before walking back towards the Village. He is met by Renado at the entrance to Death Mountain Pass._

Renado: Oh, hello, Link! It seems as though you tried to go up the path!

Link: _(hunched over like an old man, still holding his back)_ Really, ya think?!

Renado: Only one person has ever been able to beat the Gorons in a contest of strength, and that person is . . . Mayor Bo! Dun na na na!

Link: What, the old fatso from my village?! Well, he sure would beat them in an eating contest . . .

Renado: You must go find him and learn the secrets to besting the Gorons!

Link: Ugh, fine! I'd better get and _extra crispy_ fried cucco for this!

_Link walks into the village but stops when he hears a neighing noise. He turns and sees Epona heading straight for him._

Link: _(standing there, staring at the oncoming horse)_ Well, hello pretty horsie!

Midna: _(pops out of Link's shadow)_ MOVE, DUMBASS!

_Link jumps out of the way at the last second possible and watches his horse going crazy. He gets the sudden urge to jump onto Epona's back, and does just that._

Link:_ (clutching onto the reigns for dear life)_ Yee-haw! Git along, little horsie! Woo, ride 'em cowboy!

_Epona eventually calms down and Midna comes out of Link's shadow again._

Midna: Well, well, you're not too shabby a wrangler! This should make the journey back to Ordon much quicker!

Link: Oh, shut up! You just get to ride in my shadow all the time!

Midna: You think I _like_ bein' in there?! Between you and me, I don't have the best view, for your information . . . I mean, you get to look at all the nice scenery . . . all I can see is what's up your tunic!

Link: -gasp- YOU PERVERT!

Midna: Hey, it's not like I choose to look at that! I'd rather look at the ground, which I do, usually!

Link: USUALLY?!

Midna: Well, that gets pretty boring after a while . . .

Link: OKAY, THAT'S IT! GO AWAY RIGHT NOW AND LET ME GET TO ORDON IN PEACE!

Midna: Well, fine then! _(goes back into Link's shadow)_

Link: I swear, that girl scares the hell outta me sometimes . . . the way she looks at me . . . it's as if she's gonna eat me.

_Midna pops out of Link's shadow and starts pouring salt on his arm._

Link: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

Midna: Hey, I work with what ya give me! _(keeps pouring salt on Link's arm)_

_Link manages to swat her away before she bites his hand, and she sulks back into his shadow. He rides back to Ordon and goes over to Mayor Bo's house. He tells him about the children in Kakariko Village, and the Mayor is shocked to hear that Ilia's not with them._

Mayor Bo: Link you gotta tell the others in the village about the children!

Link: Aw, screw all them! Just tell me how to get past the Gorons!

Mayor Bo: -gasp- The Gorons of Death Mountain?!

Link: Yup.

Mayor Bo: I can tell you how to fight them, but you have to promise not to tell _anyone_!

Link: Ok.

Mayor Bo: I mean it, you can't tell _anyone_.

Link: Alright, I won't tell.

Mayor Bo: You gotta swear that you won't tell _anyone_ not even your mother!

Link: But, I don't have a mommy . . .

Mayor Bo: That's what you think!

Link: _(makes an O.o face) _What?!

Mayor Bo: Uh, nothing, let's just go into the back room, shall we?

Random Voice From Upstairs: Bo, are you ready yet?! I got the paddle all set up!

Mayor Bo: Uh, I'll be up in a minute, dear! _(pushes Link into the back room)_

Link: Who the hell was that?!

Mayor Bo: No one! Now, let's SUMO! _(rips off his shirt)_

Link: OH MY GODDESSES! _(covers his eyes)_ Dude, put a shirt on, for goddesses sakes!

Mayor Bo: You'd better get used to it because Link, I am your father!

Link: NOOOO! Wait- someone already told me that!

Mayor Bo: Well, they lied! You heard that voice from upstairs? That was your mother!

Link: EWW, MY MOM SCREWED A FAT GUY! WAAAH! _(breaks down and starts sobbing)_

Mayor Bo: Heh, heh, I'm just messin' with ya! Your momma died when you were little! She got run over by a horse! In fact, I think it was Epona!

Link: _(looks up, shocked)_ W-what?!

Mayor Bo: Aw, I'm just kiddin' about that too! I don't know who your mother was! She left you on my doorstep and I decided to give you over to Rusl rather than throw you out for the wolves to eat! Aren't I so nice?

Link: You are a cruel, cruel man.

Mayor Bo: Yeah, I know. Now, let's SUMO!

Link: _(jumps into the ring and rips off his tunic)_ Alright, let's get it on!

Random Fangirls: _(voices come out of nowhere)_ OH MY GOD, HE TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT! HE'S SO EFFIN' SEXY! EEEK!

Link: _(looks around desperately trying to find the voices)_ What the hell was that?!

Author: _(voice comes out of nowhere)_ Oops, heh, heh, hit the wrong button there . . . carry on!

Link: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Mayor Bo: Link, c'mon, let's SUMO!

Link: Alright, I'll fight you if you stop sayin' that! Geez, you're so annoying!

_Link and Mayor Bo fight until Link eventually pushes the Mayor out of the ring. They fight again and Link runs off crying like a baby when he loses. After much coaxing, Link eventually fights Mayor Bo again and wins. He does a victory dance before putting his tunic back on and going out into the front room._

Mayor Bo: Well, Link, that was some fine work back there. But the only way to truly beat the Gorons is to use what's in that chest over there. _(points to a chest)_

Link: _(opens the chest and takes out the iron boots)_ What, heavy, unfashionable boots? Psh, like I'd ever _wear_ these!

Mayor Bo: Why not?!

Link: Um, _hello_, fashion disaster!

Mayor Bo: Just get out of here and go fight the Gorons!

Link: Ugh, fine . . .

_Link puts the boots away and rides over to Kakariko Village. He stops at Ordon Spring to learn a new hidden skill, and then he continues on to the Village. When he gets there he sees a giant monster about to run over Colin, who has just pushed Beth out of the way._

Link: NO, WAIT, I WANNA KILL THE LITTLE BRAT! _(speeds up)_

_The monster laughs and picks up Colin and ties him to a pole. Link notices it's the same monster that kidnapped the kids in the first place! This greatly pisses him off, and he speeds up even more and chases him out into Hyrule Field._

Monster: _(stops to look at Link)_ Hello, human! I am King Bulblin!

Link: Dude, let go of Colin! I want to be the one to kill him!

Monster (aka King Bulblin): Oh, I'm not gonna kill him, I'm gonna _eat_ him!

Link: Eew! Why would you want to eat Colin?! He tastes like dirt!

King Bulblin: How do you know?!

Link: Um, no reason . . .

King Bulblin: Okay, anyways . . . let's fight for him! _(beckons Link to fight him)_

Link: Oh yeah, let's do this thing! _(takes out his sword and twirls it over his head)_

_Link's sword goes flying off in another direction and Link runs to pick it up while King Bulblin laughs at him. He summons some Bulblin Riders who try to knock Link off his horse as he tries to get to the King. After slicing him with his sword a few times, Link eventually follows the King onto a bridge. Two Bulblin Archers fire arrows at the entrances so Link can't get out. Link runs towards King Bulblin and they narrowly avoid eachother._

Link: Dude, you almost knocked me off the effin' bridge!

King Bulblin: Duh, that's the point you moron!

Link: Oh . . .

_They fight some more until Link eventually knocks King Bulblin off the bridge._

King Bulblin: _(falling to his death)_ NOOOO! TELL MY HAM SANDWICH THAT I LOVE HER! AHHHH! _(disappears out of sight)_

Link: Ham sandwich? _(looks around and finds a ham sandwich lying on the ground) _Oh. Um, King Bulblin told me to tell you that he loves you so . . . _(picks up the sandwich)_ Mmm . . . ham . . ._ (eats the sandwich) _Yummy! Okay, now where did Colin go?

Colin: _(lying on the ground at the entrance to the bridge)_ Link . . . help me . . .

Link:Oh, there you are! _(grabs Colin and tries to throw him over his shoulder but ends up throwing him off the bridge instead)_ Oh snap!

Colin:_ (hanging onto the bridge with one hand)_ LINK, HELP ME!

Link: Uh . . . hmm . . . _(walks over to Colin)_ You know, I don't really feel like it . . .

Colin: LINK!

Link: Ugh, will you SHUT UP?! _(steps on Colin's hand)_

Colin: _(let's go of the bridge and starts to fall)_ LINK, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU! AHHHHH!

Link: WHAT?!

_Just then a magical sparkling cloud of fairies grabs Colin and brings him back onto the bridge._

Fairies: _(talking at the same time)_ You need to be more careful with your son! He could get hurt!

Link: MY SON?! EEEEEEEEW!_ (sees Colin passed out on the ground) _Oh well, I'd better take him back . . .

Midna: _(comes out of Link's shadow)_ Aw, you _do_ care about him!

Link: I thought I told you to go away!

Midna: Yeah, but I'm bored now, so I thought I'd just annoy you! Eee hee!

_Link grumbles something unintelligible at her and picks Colin up and goes back into the village. When he gets there everyone crowds around Link and Colin._

Colin: _(waking up)_ Whoa, what happened?

Talo: You got captured by a fat monster that almost killed you!

Malo: Unfortunately it didn't get the chance . . .

Colin: Oh, Beth, sorry for pushing you earlier . . .

Beth: You should be sorry, you little creep! You messed up my make-up! _(slaps Colin across the face)_

Colin: Oh, good, I'm glad you're not mad . . .

Renado: Uh, Colin, did you happen to suffer any brain damage while you were captured?

Link: Oh, he's always been an idiot. It's nothing to worry about.

Colin: Link, you saved me! Oh, Link, I love you so much! _(reaches up and tries to kiss Link on the cheek)_

Link: Whoa, back off dude! _(pushes Colin away)_ You know I don't swing that way!

Renado: Aw, young love . . .

Link: I don't love him, you idiot! Geez, Colin, thanks for makin' everything all awkward now!

Colin: Anything for you, Link!

Link: . . . Okay, I'm just gonna go find those Goron Mines now . . .

_Link gets up and then runs away screaming when Colin tries to get up and follow him. He makes it to Death Mountain Pass and is once again confronted by the Goron._

Goron: Ha ha, you still think you can beat me?! I shall defeat you! _(starts rolling towards Link)_

Link: Not this time, loser! _(puts on the iron boots)_

_Link manages to stop the Goron and chuck him off of the platform. He wipes his hands off before continuing up the mountain, stopping more Gorons along the way._

***

_Meanwhile back in Kakariko Village . . ._

Renado: OH MY GOD, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! RANDOM GORONS ARE ROLLING DOWN THE STREETS!

Goron: I'M GETTING DIZZY! SOMEBODY STOP THIS THING! AHHH!

***

_Now back to our Hero . . . sort of . . ._

Link: _(holding out a part of his tunic)_ DO YOU SEE THIS?! DO YOU SEE THIS TEAR RIGHT HERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME TO FIX THIS DAMN THING?!

Goron: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to rip your dress!

Link: IT'S NOT A DRESS, IT'S A TUNIC!

Goron: Whatever! Look, I'll pay for it!

Link: Oh, you'll pay for it alright . . . WITH YOUR LIFE! _(runs over and stabs the Goron in the heart, killing him instantly) _YEAH, WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO NOW, %#*&!

Midna: Link, calm down! He's already dead!

Link: Oh, right . . . well let's continue on, shall we?

Midna: You know, I'm not too sure I want to be traveling with you anymore . . .

Link: Aw, come on, Midna!

Midna: Okay, fine, I'll stay. But you'd better hurry up and get that fused shadow before I change my mind! _(goes back into the shadows)_

Link: Yay, she's staying! . . . Oh wait- but I don't like her! Noooo!

_Link continues along the trail until he gets to the base of the mountain. He jumps out of the way as a giant rock falls from the sky and almost crushes him._

Link: Whoa . . . that is one big-ass rock!

Midna: _(comes out of Link's shadow)_ Hmm, I wonder what this thing is doing here . . .

Link: Oh, gee, I don't know, maybe it's going to go get a smoothie? How the hell would I know what it's doing here?!

Midna: _(glares at Link)_ Don't get smart with me, dog boy, or soon you're gonna be dog _meat_!

Link: What, you asked me a question!

Midna: I was talking to myself!

Link: You seem to do that a lot lately . . .

Midna: Just get the fused shadow! _(goes back into Link's shadow)_

_Link shrugs and goes up the mountain, using the Gorons to give him an extra lift. He eventually comes to a huge chamber with six Gorons who all start to come at him at once. They stop when a voice calls out._

Voice: ENOUGH!

_Link steps up as an old Goron comes out of a doorway blocked by two other Gorons._

Old Goron: Hello, puny human! I'm Gor Coron! What business do you have here at the Goron Mines?

Link: Okay, first, I would _really_ appreciate it if you'd put a shirt on, and second, my name is Link, not puny human!

Old Goron (aka Gor Coron): Outsiders are not allowed inside the mines, unless . . . _(smiles a creepy smile)_

Link: _(creeped out)_ W-why are you looking at me like that? Look, I'm not doin' you any favors, if that's what you're asking!

Gor Coron: Let's SUMO!

Link: Aw man, not again!

_They step into the sumo ring and Link is immediately knocked out._

Link: Hey, that was mean! I demand a rematch!

Gor Coron: Anytime, wimp!

Link: Oh, now it's on!

_Link puts on the iron boots and goes back into the ring. He fights Gor Coron again but he keeps loosing. Midna eventually gets fed up and trips Gor Coron with her hand hair, giving Link a chance to push him out of the ring._

Link: Oh yeah, I am the sumo champ! Everyone must bow down to me! Muhahahaha!

Gor Coron: Fine, you can go into the mines! Just don't say I didn't warn you!

Link: Woohoo! _(starts to run to the entrance but trips on the iron boots and falls on his face)_ OW, MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

_Two Gorons walk over and pull Link out of his boots and chuck him into the mines, throwing his boots in after him. There is a muffled cry of "OW!" and then the Gorons stand in front of the entrance so Link can't get back out._

Gor Coron: Okay boys, turn up the fire level to super hot and scary! Ahahaha, he'll never get out of there, and then _I_ will still be the sumo champ! I WILL REIGN SUPREME!

_The Gorons back away slightly and turn a random dial on the wall to "super hot and scary." Meanwhile, Link puts his boots away and manages to stop his forehead from bleeding from when he got hit with the boots. He makes sure his sword and shield are in place before stepping into the mines . . ._

**A/N: What did you think? Oh, and on a random note, if any of you have heard of a book called _Flowers for Algernon_ by Daniel Keyes, you should read it. It's one of the best books i've ever read!**

**Midna: Yeah, it's about this guy names Charlie who goes to this school and-**

**Link: _(claps a hand over her mouth)_ Shh! You're going to spoil it!**

**Midna: _(pushes Link's hand away)_ Get off me, dog boy! _(holds out the Twilight DVD)_**

**Link: NOOOO! **

**Author: You still have that?!**

**Midna: I always keep it with me!**

* * *


	10. HOT!

**A/N: Link: Yay for updates!**

**Midna: Shut up, Link! No one wants to hear you talk!**

**Link: Wha- yes they do! Everyone _loves _me!**

**Midna: Psh, yeah right!**

**Author: Guys, let's just get on with the story!**

**Midna and Link: Okay . . . Midna3452 doesn't own Zelda or anything related to it . . . **

**Link: Ooh, and she also doesn't own the picture for the new Wii game that was released and it looks so COOL!**

**Author: LINK!**

**HOT!!!!**

_Link steps into the mines and surveys the area. He sees pits of boiling hot lava everywhere and a few platforms that he can walk across._

Link: _(fanning himself with his hand)_ Whew! It's _hot_ in Topeka!

Midna: _(comes out of Link's shadow)_ Link, we're not in Topeka, we're in the Goron Mines . . .

Link: I know that! I'm not stupid!

Midna: I beg to differ . . .

Link: Stop talking all comlpicatedish! I can't understand you!

Midna: All I said was "I beg to differ!"

Link: Nyah! My brain! _(grabs his head and runs towards the lava)_

Midna: LINK, NO! _(flies over and grabs Link by the back of his tunic before he falls into the lava) _What the hell were you thinking?!

Link: Uh . . . FRIED CUCCO! AHAHAHAHA! _(jumps across the platforms and lands safely on the other side)_

Midna: What the hell?!

Link: Hey, that's right; you never gave me my fried cucco! You %#*&!

Midna: HEY! Don't start insulting me, you worthless piece of trash!

Link: _(lip starts quivering)_ T-that's not a very nice thing to say . . .

Midna: Oh yeah?! WELL SCREW YOU! I'm gonna go find that fused shadow by myself! _(flies off in a huff)_

Link: WAIT! I NEED YOU TO PROTECT ME FROM ANY UNSEEN DANGERS THAT I MIGHT ENCOUNTER! NOOOOO! . . . Oh well, might as well explore this place!

_Link walks over to what looks like a metal cage and uses his iron boots to shut off random flames of fire so he can go through. He does this a few times until he eventually comes to a ladder. He climbs to the top, but as soon as his feet hit the platform, Midna pops out of his shadow._

Midna: BOO!

Link: AHHHH! _(falls off the platform but manages to grab onto it with one hand)_

Midna: Eee hee! April Fools!

Link: IT'S FREAKIN' JULY! WHAT THE HELL?!

Midna: Aw, you didn't think I'd actually left you to fend for yourself now did you? You would have died in two seconds!

Link: Actually, I was doing perfectly fine until _you_ showed up and almost made me fall into the lava!

Midna: Whatever. Now, get your lazy ass back up here so we can keep going!

Link: What if I don't wanna?!

_All of a sudden, a frog comes out of the lava and throws up a rock, chucking it at Link. It hits his butt, making him scream and jump back onto the platform._

Midna: _(calling to the frog)_ Thanks, Sherman!

Sherman: Anytime! _(goes back into the lava)_

Link: Ow, my ass . . .

Midna: Stop complaining and start walking! We've got a long way to go!

Link: Hey, how do you always know where we're supposed to go, huh?!

Midna: Um, I'm your helper! I have to know these things!

Link: I keep getting the feeling like something's going on here . . .

Midna: Uh-oh. _(looks up at the ceiling)_ He's starting to get suspicious! Help!

Author: _(voice comes out of nowhere)_ Okay, execute plan A-125! Go! Go!

_All of a sudden a SWAT team comes down from the ceiling. _

Link: WAH! I'M INNOCENT! INNOCENT, I TELL YOU! I DIDN'T TRY TO DROWN ILIA IN THE SPRING! IT WAS ALL COLIN'S- _(gets hit in the head with a club and is knocked out)_

_The SWAT team carries Link into the next chamber of the mines and quickly leaves in their private jets before Link wakes up._

Link: _(waking up)_ Ugh . . . what happened?

Midna: Don't you remember? You fell into the lava and I had to pull you out! You were already unconscious and you were close to death, so I brought you out here and treated your wounds. You probably have amnesia.

Link: You . . . you saved me?! _(scoops Midna up in a hug)_ Oh, Midna, I love you!

Midna: AH! AFFECTION! _IT BURNS!_

Link: _(lets her go)_ Sorry! You still love me, right?

Midna: I don't love you, you pervert! I don't even _like_ you! I'm just using you 'cause I'm too lazy to go get the fused shadows by myself!

Link: Oh, well that's okay, you can take your time. I'll be waiting.

Midna: ALRIGHT, THAT IS IT! I _QUIT_! _(flies away (for real this time))_

Link: NOOO! MIDNA!

Author: _(voice comes out of nowhere again)_ We have a code red! I repeat: we have a code red! Send out the replacement! Let's _move_!

_The SWAT guys come back and two of them grab Link while another one walks up to him with a bottle in his hands._

Link: Who are you people?! What do you want with me?!

SWAT Guy: Relax. We're just gonna alter your memory so you don't remember that you love Midna until later. We can't have you ruining the whole plot, can we?

Link: WHAT?! AHH!

_The man forces Link to drink the liquid and then he knocks him out again. The SWAT team leaves and a little yellow fairy flies over to Link._

Fairy: _(flying around Link's head in an annoying manner)_ Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Link: _(waking up again)_ Ugh, SHUT THE HELL UP! _(tries to swat the fairy but misses)_

Fairy: Link, you're awake! Yay!

Link: _(looks at the fairy closely)_ Ciela?! The fairy from my dream?!

Fairy (aka Ciela): Yup! I'm just fillin' in for your little imp friend until she gets back!

Link: Wait- where did she go?!

Ciela: Uh, she had to go, um . . . pick up some groceries at the store! Okay, let's go get that Fuchsia Shallow!

Link: It's called a _fused shadow_. And where did Midna really go?! I'm not gonna go pick up her shit if she's not gonna even come with me!

Ciela: Calm down! She'll come back! She just needs to . . . cool off a little. Now let's go! I don't like this place! _(starts bouncing up and down nervously)_

Link: Okay, but Midna better come back!

_Link walks around the room aimlessly before finding a chest. He kills a few bulblins before opening the chest and finding a key._

Ciela: Look Link, it's a key!

Link: Really? I hadn't noticed! Thanks for restating the obvious!

Ciela: That's my job!

Link Ugh . . . this is gonna be a _long_ trip . . .

_He walks around the chamber some more until he comes to a locked door, which he opens with the key. He comes into another chamber filled with flame jets and he sees a wall with a door behind it._

Ciela: Look, it's a wall with a door behind it!

Link: Yes, I can see, thank you!

Ciela: You should try to get to the door!

Link: No duh! Geez, you think I'm an idiot or somethin'?!

Ciela: Well . . .

Link: How rude! I'm smarter than Linebeck!

Ciela: Um, actually-

Link: Hey, where is Linebeck anyways? Isn't he supposed to be with you?

Ciela: He had some, uh . . . important business to attend to.

***

_Meanwhile on a deserted island far off at sea . . ._

Linebeck: _(rolling around in a pile of treasure)_ AHAHAHA! TREASURE! IT'S ALL MINE! WHOOHOO! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

***

_Back with Link and Ciela . . ._

Link: Oh, okay then- _(sees his tunic on fire) _HOLY GODDESSES OF HYRULE! MY TUNIC!

_Link manages to put out the fire with the help of Ciela spitting on his tunic, which she claimed to be water but Link knew better. He kills the Dodongo who breathed fire on him, and he finds a chain that he can use to open the door. He pulls on the chain and sees a wall move._

Link: _(lets go of the chain and starts to run towards the lava)_ Yay, I figured it out- HOLY SHIT! _(jumps back as a flame jet almost engulfs him)_

Ciela: Whoa, that was close! Um, maybe you could be a little more . . . timely?

Link: I just almost got burned to death, and all you can think about is timing the wall right?!

Ciela: Yup, pretty much! Now come on! Let's go!

_Link glares at the fairy and then pulls the lever again. He times it right this time and manages to get through the wall before it closes on him. He comes into a room filled with water and he jumps in._

Link: Hey, the water's nice! You should come in, Ciela!

Ciela: Um, I don't think so . . . my magical sparkling pixie dust will fall off if I go in there.

Link: Yeah, and?

Ciela: And then I won't be sparkly anymore!

Link: But that'd be a good thing! Your sparkles are kinda annoying . . .

Ciela: _(starts flying around maniacally)_ HOW DARE THOU INSULTETH THE MIGHTY POWER OF THE SPARKLES?! THOU SHALL PAY!

Link: What the- OH MY GODDESSES! _(gets thrown out of the water and into the gate by a blast of magic cast by the little fairy)_

Ciela: _(back to normal)_ Whew, lost my cool for a second there . . . hey Link, you okay?

Link: _(at the bottom of the pool, upside down)_ . . .

Ciela: Uh-oh . . .

_She manages to fish Link out of the pool using a random fishing net she found, and she takes him into the next room where an old goron with steam coming out of his back is waiting._

Link: _(waking up)_ Oh . . . my head . . . _(sees an old Goron standing over him)_ AHH! WHAT THE HELL?!

Old Goron: Well, well, you're not dead! Yay for you. Now here's a key shard. _(gives Link a key shard) _Go save Darbus.

Link: Uh, who are- WHOA, YOU'RE ON FIRE! WE GOTTA PUT IT OUT!

Old Goron: Wait, don't-

_Link takes out the gale boomerang and throws it at the Goron. He gets swept up in the wind and thrown around the cave. He eventually comes crashing down to the floor._

_Link: (runs over to the Goron)_ Okay, the fire's out! _(sees the Goron not moving) _Hey, are you okay?! _(pokes the Goron)_ Uh-oh . . . uh, Ciela, let's go . . .

Ciela: Is he gonna be okay?!

Link: Uh, yeah, he's just, uh . . . sleeping! Okay let's get out of here!

_Link runs over to a ladder and climbs up it, with Ciela close behind him. They get to the top and he finds the dungeon map inside a treasure chest. He walks by a pot but he stops when it moves._

Link: _(sees Ooccoo's head sticking out)_ OMG, YOU'RE A FREAKIN' STALKER! NOOOOO! _(runs screaming out of the pit)_

Ooccoo: Well, how rude! _(goes back into the pot to wait for the next unsuspecting traveler)_

_Link comes out onto the ceiling of the previous chamber. He uses the iron boots to climb along it. He goes through many, many, many, many, many, many, many chambers until he finally comes to the third Goron Elder. _

Link: Alright, %#*&, give me the effin' key shard!

Gor Ezibo: That's no way to speak to an Elder! Just for that, you'll have to fight me for the key shard!

Link: Uh, okay.

Gor Ezibo: _(starts hopping from foot to foot)_ Yeah, what're you gonna do now, %#*&?!

Link: _(pokes Gor Ezibo, making him fall over)_

Gor Ezibo: Ow . . . my spleen . . . okay, you win. _(gives Link the key shard)_

Ciela: Yay, you got another key shard!

Link: Yay! Oh, by the way, what exactly am I supposed to do with these?

Gor Ezibo: When you get all three, they'll form a key, and then you'll be, read-y . . . to defeat Darbus.

Link: . . . Was that supposed to be a rhyme?! That was freakin' retarded!

Ciela: Link, be nice . . .

Link: Ugh, fine . . . where can I find the last key shard?

Gor Ezibo: Go find Gor Liggs. He'll give you the last shard. Oh, and you might find a very useful weapon along the way . . .

Link: Wait- what useful weapon?!

Gor Ezibo: But beware, for a fearsome beast guards the sacred weapon . . ._ (disappears in a puff of smoke)_ Beware . . .

Link: What's that supposed to mean?! Hey, oldy, get back here! Ugh, god damn it!

Ciela: Well, let's go find that sacred weapon!

Link: Did you not hear what he just said?! A _fearsome beast_ is guarding it! I'm not riskin' my life again!

Ciela: JUST GO!

Link: AH! Alright, I'm goin', I'm goin'!

_Link walks out of the chamber and along the walls of another chamber until he comes to a door._

Ciela: Look, Link, it's a do-

Link: Don't even say it!

Ciela: Sorry.

_They go through the door and come out into a round chamber. Link sees a big Goron and he starts to walk over to him._

Link: Excuse me, but do you know where we could find a sacred weapon-

Big Goron: OH, A HUMAN! WHAT IS HUMAN DOING HERE?! I DON'T KNOW, BUT HUMAN IS GONNA DIE! _(jumps on the platform and breaks the chains holding it up, making it fall into the lava)_

Link: Oh, nice goin' tubby! Now how are we gonna get back up?!

Big Goron: HUMAN CALL ME TUBBY?! HUMAN SHALL PAY!

Link: Why are you speaking in all capitals?!

Ciela: Link, is that the script?! Gimme that! _(takes the script and throws it into the lava)_

Big Goron: PREPARE TO DIE, HUMAN!

Link: OH YEAH, WELL I CAN TALK IN ALL CAPITALS TOO! IN YOUR FACE, LOSER!

Big Goron: OH, NOW HUMAN GONNA PAY!

Link: BRING IT ON!

Big Goron: RAAAR!

Link: RAAAAR!

Big Goron: RAAAAAR!

Link: RAAAAAAR!

Big Goron: RAAAAAAAR!

Link: RAAA-

Ciela: JUST EFFIN' FIGHT HIM ALREADY!

_The Goron is surprised and he loses his balance. He falls backwards into the lava and defies the laws of gravity by bouncing on top of the lava on his butt and jumping back out. He falls on the platform with a thud and his helmet falls off._

Link: Dude, you got a pointy head! Ahahahahahaha! _(falls on the floor laughing)_

Big Goron: YEAH, YEAH, GET IT ALL OUTTA YOUR SYSTEM. NOW, I'LL LET YOU GO GET THE SACRED WEAPON.

Link: Uh, why are you still speaking in all capitals?

Ciela: LINK! _(tries to take the script again but Link puts it away before she can reach it)_

Big Goron: OH, THE AUTHOR JUST FELT LIKE MAKING ME TALK LIKE THIS- AW SHIT!

_All of a sudden a random gust of wind pushes the Goron into the lava, where he is burned to a crisp._

Link: The author . . .?

_The platform suddenly floats back into the air, and Link goes into the next chamber where he finds the Hero's Bow._

Ciela: Look, Link, you found the Hero's Bow!

Link: No, really?! What gave you that idea?!

Ciela: Well, you're holding a bow, so I just assumed that-

Link: It was a rhetorical question!

Ciela: Oh, alrighty then!

_Link sighs and uses his new weapon to find the fourth Goron Elder, Gor Liggs. He walks into the chamber and over to the old Goron._

Link: Hey, weirdo, you got the last key shard for me?

Gor Liggs: . . .

Link: Dude, I asked you a question! _(pokes Gor Liggs)_

Gor Liggs:_ (falls over onto the floor) _. . .

Link: Uh, hello?

Ciela: Link, I think something's wrong with him . . .

Link: Aw, he's okay- SHIT! HE'S NOT BREATHING!

Ciela: Oh my god! We gotta save him! _(starts fluttering around crazily)_

Link: Hell no! I already got enough stuff to worry about besides reviving an old dead guy! Let's just take the key shard and get out of here!

Ciela: But-

Link: SHUT THE HELL UP AND COME ON!

_Link grabs the key shard and runs out of the room with Ciela trailing along behind him. The key shards form together to create the big key. Link makes his way to the boss chamber, but he is stopped by a mob of Bulblins. All of a sudden, his shield burns up._

Link: Frig! Ciela, get my metal shield! . . . _(looks around) _Ciela? Crap, she's gone!

Army of Bulblins: EEEEAAAGHHEIEIEE! _(runs towards Link with their clubs raised)_

Link: Uh, I have no idea what you guys just said . . . but I'll kill you anyways! MUHAHAHAHA!

_Link kills all the bulblins and walks up to the door to the boss chamber. He uses the big key to open it, and the door shuts behind him._

Link: Why the hell does the door always shut behind me whenever I go into these big rooms?!

Midna: So you don't run away like the big coward you are!

Link: _(jumps and falls over onto his butt)_ Midna! Where the hell did you come from?!

Midna: Your shadow, duh.

Link: No, you disappeared! And Ciela came and took your place!

Midna: Well, I came back! Deal with it! Now hurry up and get the fused shadow!

Link: _(muttering to himself) _I like Ciela better . . .

Midna: _(hair turns into a fist) _WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Link: AH! DON'T KILL ME! I'M SORRY!

Midna: Just hurry up and fight the boss! Maybe he'll kick your ass so I won't have to later . . .

Link: You're so mean!

Fyrus: Um, hello? Is anyone gonna fight me, or can I just go back to sleep?

Link: _(turns to Fyrus and holds up his sword)_ I'll fight you!

Fyrus: Oh okay- ahem . . . RAAAAAA- _(starts coughing)_ Ack . . . oh god, the smoke fumes in this place are terrible for your lungs!

Link: Um . . .

Fyrus: Hold on one sec. _(clears his throat in an annoying manner)_

Link and Midna: Ew . . .

Fyrus: Alright, I'm good, I'm good. Now, where were we?

Link: Um, you were just roaring at me and then I was about to kick your ass.

Fyrus: Oh right! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!

Link: I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, MONSTER! By the way, I can see right through you . . .

Fyrus: What?! Oh, sorry! _(lights up into flames)_ Is that better?

Link: NO!

_Fyrus breaks the chains holding him and starts to run towards Link._

Link: AHHHHH! _(runs away screaming like a little girl)_ MIDNA, WHAT DO I DO?! _WHAT DO I DO?!_

Midna: Use your iron boots and trip him, you idiot! It's not that hard!

Link: Oh, okay! _(tries to grab the chain around Fyrus' ankle but is kicked and sent flying into the wall)_ OW! IT'S NOT WORKING!

Midna: You gotta shoot him in the eye first!

Link: YOU COULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME THAT SOONER?!

Midna: Nope! It's fun watching you get hurt! Eee hee!

Link: You're so evil! Are you sure I'm supposed to be fighting Fyrus and not you?!

Midna: JUST KILL HIM ALREADY!

Link: Alright! Geez, no need to scream . . .

_Link shoots Fyrus in the eye and the monster starts running around like a crazy person._

Fyrus: OW! WHAT THE HELL DID YA DO THAT FOR?! OH, GOD, MY EYE!

Link: _(trips Fyrus and slashes at him with his sword) _Ha ha! How do you like me now, loser?!

Fyrus: Well, I don't like you very much at all! In fact, I'M GONNA KILL YOU 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU SO MUCH! RAAAAAAWR! _(stands up and starts chasing Link again)_

Link: You got up _again?! _Geez, how long does it take for you people to die-

Midna: LINK, WATCH OUT!

Link: Wha- AAAAAHHHHHHH! _(gets set on fire by a blast from Fyrus)_

Midna: STOP, DROP, AND ROLL! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL! _STOP, DROP, AND ROLL, DAMN IT!_

_Link ignores Midna and runs straight into a wall. The flames engulfing him are magically put out and he falls over from hitting his head._

Fyrus: _(walks over and stops by Link and Midna)_ Hey, is he gonna be okay?!

Midna: Oh, he'll be fine. You can try to destroy him again in a few minutes.

Fyrus: Oh, alright, I'll just wait over here then . . . _(sits down in a corner on the other side of the room)_

Link: Ugh . . . my head . . .

Midna: Get up, you stupid dog boy! The nice monster's waiting for you!

Link: What? _(sees Fyrus sitting in the corner)_ Oh . . . Hey, do you think you could destroy yourself this time? I'm not really up for it anymore . . .

Midna: LINK!

Fyrus: Sure, no problem. _(stands up and walks over to him)_

Midna: What are you doing?! You can't just agree to that! You guys have to have a huge battle!

Fyrus: Aw, come on, give the kid a break! He looks like he's had a rough day. It's the least I can do.

Link: _(hands him the sword while Midna stares at them like they're crazy)_ Thanks, man!

Fyrus: Anytime, dude! _(stabs himself in the eye and falls over)_

Midna: WHAT KIND OF BATTLE WAS THAT?! I WANTED TO SEE BLOOD, GUTS, DESTRUCTION! THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR!

Link: Oh, shut up! You got your fused shadow, didn't you?!

Midna: _(takes the fused shadow that forms as Fyrus goes back to Darbus)_ Well, yeah, but-

Link: _(stands up)_ Just take it and let's go! You still need to give me that fried cucco you promised me!

Midna: Oh, alright, fine! But don't you want to hear a story first?

Link: _(whips around to stare at her and starts jumping up and down)_ Ooh, story time! Story time!

Midna: Alright, alright, settle down.

Link: _(sits down and watches her with rapt interest)_ Okay, go!

Midna: Okay, once upon a time, there was a guy named Zant. He-

Link: What kinda name is _Zant_?! That's so stupid!

Midna: Will you let me tell the story?!

Link: Oh, sorry, sorry! Continue!

Midna: Anyways, so one day Zant decided to cast a pall of Twilight over the entire world. He tried to take the place of the rightful ruler of a certain realm by calling himself the King of Shadows. Then-

Link: Hee hee! King of Shadows . . .

Midna: SHUT UP!

Link: Okay, okay, you can go!

Midna: Now, I have nothing but scorn for this idiot! Much as I do for your Princess Zelda. Stupid Princess, living a life of luxury while I have to work my butt off. . .

Link: Why are you mad at her? She's a princess! She's supposed to be treated like that!

Midna: _(glares at Link)_ Just get the heart container and let's go.

Link: Why do you have such a bad temper?!

Midna: _(opens a warp portal)_ I'm gonna leave without you!

Link: Ah, no! Wait!

_Link ignores the confused Darbus and grabs the heart container, looking around when he hears strange music playing again. He runs over to Midna and they warp out of the dungeon, another fused shadow in their possession . . ._

_***_

**A/N: Link: Yay, we got another fused shadow!**

**Midna: Whoop dee doo. **

**Author: So, there you go. Oh, by the way, look up the picture for the new Zelda game being made for the Wii sometime. It's really cool!**

**Midna: _(looks at the picture) _Link, who is this other woman standing behind you?!**

**Link: ****I don't know . . . _(gets hit in the head with the Twilight DVD)_ OW!**


	11. Bombs and More Scary People

**A/N: Finally, another update! Just so you guys know, I finshed the end a little quickly so sorry if it isn't quite as good as the rest of the story so far. But anyway, go ahead and read!**

**Disclaimer: I own nada.**

**Bombs and More Scary People**

_Link and Midna appear at Eldin Spring._

Link: Phew! Glad we're outta there!

Midna: Yeah, and I got another Fused Shadow!

Link: And you also owe me a fried cucco. _(holds out his hand)_ Pay up.

Midna: Damn, I hoped you'd forgotten about that . . . fine here. _(sees a cucco walking along the street and fries it with a bolt of magic)_

Link: YES! FINALLY!

_Link runs over to the cucco, but just as he is about to pick it up, Renado runs over and kicks it, sending it flying out of sight._

Link: _(stares at Renado, shocked)_ WHAT THE HELL?!

Renado: Link, Talo wants to talk to you!

Link: You just kicked my cucco!

Renado: Link, did you hear me?

Link: YOU KICKED MY DAMN CUCCO! I'VE BEEN WAITIN' FIVE MONTHS FOR THAT THING! _FIVE MONTHS_!

Midna: _(says from his shadow)_ Actually, it's only been about two days . . .

Renado: What was that?

Link: _(glares at his shadow)_ The little %#*& in my shadow.

Renado: _(takes a step back)_ Alrighty then . . . well, Talo's waiting at the top of that really tall tower.

Link: Fine, I'll go see the damn brat!

_He starts walking towards the tower, when Midna comes out of his shadow and pushes him from behind. He falls over and Midna kicks him while he's down._

Link: OW! What the hell was that for?!

Midna: For callin' me a %#*&, you effin' elf!

Link: I'M NOT AN ELF!

_Midna blows a raspberry at him and goes back into his shadow. He stands up, muttering curses at her, and starts walking towards the tower again. He eventually comes up to a Goron._

Goron: Hello, puny human! Boy, I sure am happy to be talking to you guys again!

Link: _(pissed off)_ I don't want to hear about your damn personal life. Just help me get up to the tower.

Goron: Sure thing, but don't you want to hear how happy I am?

Link: No, I friggin' don't care! Now, are you gonna help me up?

Goron: Well . . .

Link: Okay, that's it!

_Link kicks the Goron in a very bad place to be kicked. He climbs onto the Goron's back and the Goron flings him into the air so high that he instantly lands on top of the tower. He sees Talo looking over the edge and he starts to sneak up on the little boy._

Talo: _(whips around as Link comes up behind him)_ HI LINK!

Link: _(jumps ten feet in the air)_ AH! How the hell did you know I was behind you?!

Talo: Well, you weren't really being that quiet . . . I mean, you were laughing like you were gonna sneak up and push me over the edge or something . . .

Link: What?! N-no I wasn't! Why would you even think that?!

Talo: _(shrugs)_ I dunno. Anyways, I heard you got a bow in those Goron Mines!

Link: Yeah, what about it?

Talo: Show me how you shoot stuff!

Link: Really?

Talo: YEAH!

Link: Okay. _(takes out his bow, cocks an arrow, and points it at Talo's head)_

Talo: WAIT! I DIDN'T MEAN AIM AT ME!

Link: TOO LATE! MUHAHAHA!

_Link lets go of the arrow, but a mysterious gust of wind blow it off-target and it hits a bird flying overhead instead._

Link: WHAT?! GODDESSES DAMN IT!

Talo: Wow, you really suck . . .

Link: Hey, that wasn't my fault! The wind blew it away!

Talo: Psh, yeah right. Loser.

Link: Why you little- _(gets smacked in the face by a dead bird that fell from the sky)_

Talo: Ha ha!

_Link chucks the bird away and glares at Talo._

Link: You wanna see me really use these arrows? I'll stick 'em in your-

Midna: *gasp* Link! Such language!

Link: What?! I was gonna say eyes! I'll stick 'em in your eyes! And besides, you're the one that called me an elf!

Midna: That's not bad language. I'm just tellin' it like it is.

Link: HEY! I already _told_ you, I'm not an elf!

Talo: _(raises his hand)_ Um, I have two questions. One, why are you yelling at your shadow? And two, why is there a little girl's voice coming out of nowhere?

Midna: I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL!

Link: What voice?

Talo: That one! It just yelled "I'm not a little girl!"

Link: I didn't hear anything.

Midna: Link, what are you doing?

Talo: See?! It just talked again! It said your name!

Link: I hear nothing. I think you're going insane.

Talo: No I'm not! . . . am I?

Link: Yeah, I think you are.

Talo: No, no, you're lying! You can hear it too! I know you can!

Link: Nope. I don't hear a thing.

Midna: Link, what the hell are you trying to do to the poor kid?! Make him go crazy?!

Link: Not quite. I have a cunning plan . . .

Talo: See?! I KNOW you heard it that time!

Link: Yeah, I think it came from the platform below us. Why don't you look over the edge and see?

Talo: Okay, I will! _(looks over the edge)_ Hey, I don't see anyth- AHHHHH! _(screams as Link kicks him off the tower)_

Link: YES! WOOHOO! IT ACTUALLY WORKED!

Midna: I can't believe he fell for that . . .

Link: Now he's finally dead! Yes- wait, WHAT?!

_Link is shocked as he looks over the edge and sees Talo staring up at him, perfectly fine. Talo waves up at Link and then turns and starts walking down the street as Link stares after him shocked._

Midna: Well, _that_ was a waste of time . . . why don't you just go get some bombs so you can continue your quest to save Hyrule and all that crap?

Link: Wait! Wasn't I supposed to complete another little side task that doesn't really have anything to do with my mission at all?

Midna: Too late, you missed your chance! Now hurry up and get down to that bomb shop before I push you off the edge myself!

Link: AH! Okay, okay, I'm going!

_Link runs all the way back down to the road and goes into the newly opened shop, Barnes' Bomb Shop. He goes up to the counter and sees Barnes standing behind it._

Link: Hey, fatty, I need some bombs. What do you got?

Barnes: Heys, it's the guy with the stupid hats! How yous doin'?

Link: My hat isn't stupid! And I'm really hungry for some fried cucco, if you must know. You see, I was _supposed_ to get one, but then-

Barnes: So anyways, you wants some bombs? 'Cause if not, then gets out.

Link: Wha- you just cut me off in the middle of a sentence!

Barnes: I gonna calls security!

Link: What the heck did I do? _(sees Barnes about to push a button under the counter)_ Alright, alright, I'll buy some damn bombs! Geez!

Barnes: Good! Well, we haves only one kind right now 'cause the rest got blowed up. So, I'll give yous a bomb bag and bombs for 120 rupees!

Link: Uh, okay . . . don't you need to see an ID or something?

Barnes: A whats?

Link: An ID? You know, to show how old I am?

Barnes: Aw, it don't matter!

Link: So, you'll sell your bombs to anybody that walks in here?!

_Just then, Malo walks into the shop. He glares at Link and goes over to Barnes._

Malo: I need fifty bombs, stat.

Barnes: Okey-dokey!

_He gives Malo some bombs and Malo leaves, kicking Link in the shin as he walks by._

Link: OW! You little brat! _(turns to Barnes) _Do you even know how old that kid is?!

Barnes: I don't cares! Now, 120 rupees or no deal.

Link: Okay, here- wait, you gave Malo fifty bombs for free!

Barnes: He's a long-time customer.

Link: But . . . he's a freakin' LITTLE KID!

Barnes: And?

Link: You- ugh, never mind! Here, take your damn money! Gosh!

_Link throws the money at Barnes and snatches the bag with bombs in it from the counter. He walks out of the shop, gets on Epona, and starts riding towards Hyrule field. As Epona is walking, Link inspects his latest purchase._

Link: Hey- there's only two bombs in here! That fat old- HOLY SHIT!

_Link is almost knocked off his horse as a bulblin rider comes out of nowhere and shoots an arrow at his head. Midna puts the bombs in the invisible storage space as Link swerves out of the way._

Link: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?!

Bulblin: EYAAAHNGRAAR!

Link: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST SAID!

_He rides towards Eldin Bridge, but the bulblin follows him. All of a sudden, Link hears a yell._

Postman: HEEEEEEEEY!

Link: Aw, shit . . .

_The postman runs in front of Epona. Link tries to hit him, but Epona stops just in time. Link curses at her and looks behind him to see where the bulblin is, but he realizes that the world has completely stopped._

Link: What the f-

Postman: Hey, sexy! I got another letter for you! _(holds out a letter and smiles creepily at Link)_

Link:_ (takes the letter gingerly with his thumb and forefinger)_ Er, thanks . . . hey, do you know why the world stopped just now?

Postman: Oh, it's 'cause of me! Once I leave, everything will go back to the way it was! Cool huh?

Link: More like bizarre . . .

Postman: So, technically, if you just stay with me, that bulblin won't ever come after you again! Awesome, right? So, what do you say? _(wiggles his eyebrows suggestively)_

Link: Um, I think I'll take my chances with the bulblin . . .

Postman: Hm, suit yourself. _(turns to leave but suddenly whips around and points at Link)_ But mark my words, Link! I WILL have you someday! VICTORY SHALL BE MINE! AHAHAHAHAHA! _(runs away, laughing like a maniac)_

Link: _(shaking)_ Midna, I'm scared . . .

Midna: Oh, just forget the creeper and keep going, will you? Look, that bulblin just woke up!

Link: What?! _(sees the bulblin coming after him again)_ Holy crap! Go, Epona!

Epona: _(stands there)_ . . .

Link: Uh, hello?! Move, you stupid horse!

Epona: . . .

Link: Um . . . I choose you, Epona! _(kicks her in the sides)_

Epona: Neigh! **(What's the magic word?)**

Midna: I think she wants you to say please . . .

Link: MOVE YOUR FAT ASS!

Epona: NEIGH! **(Say please, dammit!)**

Midna: Link . . .

Link: AH, OKAY! _PLEASE_ MOVE YOUR FAT ASS! _(Epona starts to run) _Thank you!

_Link rides Epona to the bridge. When they get on it, the bulblin screeches at them again and goes off in another direction. Link rides over the bridge and sees some rocks blocking his path._

Link: Okay, no problem! Midna, hand me a bomb!

Midna: _(hands him a lighted bomb)_ Here you go, elf.

Link: _(glares at her)_ I'll have you know that- IS THIS ALREADY LIT?!

_Link hurls the bomb at the pile of ricks as Midna laughs at him. The rocks blow up and Link starts to walk forward. Just then, a portal opens up in the sky and a big chunk of the bridge disappears. Also, three twilit messengers fall out of the portal._

Link: _(jumps off Epona) _Again with the bridge?! What the hell is with these people?!

_Link quickly defeats the messengers and a new portal opens. He gets back on Epona and rides along the path he just created, until he sees a Twilight Gate and Epona refuses to move anymore. Link jumps down and walks over to the gate._

Midna:_ (comes out of Link's shadow)_ So ready to go into the Twilight?

Link: _(sighs)_ I guess . . .

Midna: Okay, lets-a go! _(goes through the gate)_

Link: Hey, that phrase sounded oddly familiar for some reason . . . AH!

_Midna grabs Link with her giant hand and pulls him into the Twilight once more . . ._

_***_

**A/N: Whew! I'm glad I finally updated this thing! Like I said before, I'm not sure when the next chapter's gonna be up. Until then, review please!**


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